1. Thou shall always be honest & faithful to the provider of thy nookie.
2. Thou shall try real hard not to kill anyone unless, of course, they pray to a different invisible man from the one you pray to.
3. Thou shall keep thy religion to thyself.
Why three? Why disregard the other Eight and make a new commandment? Here’s why:
The 1st, 2nd, 3rd & 4th commandments:
1. I am the Lord thy God, who brought thou out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage. Thou shall have no other gods before Me.
2.Thou shall not make for thyself a carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth; thou shall not bow down to them nor serve them. For I, the Lord thy God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and fourth generations of those who hate Me, but showing mercy to thousands, to those who love Me and keep My Commandments.
3. Thou shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain, for the Lord will not hold him guiltless who takes His name in vain.
4. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days thou shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Lord thy God. In it thou shall do no work: thou, nor your son, nor your daughter, nor your male servant, nor your female servant, nor your cattle, nor your stranger who is within your gates. For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, and rested the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and hallowed it.
Spooky language. SPOOKY LANGUAGE! It’s designed to control & scare primitive people. In no way that superstitious nonsense like these apply to the lives of the intelligent, civilized humans of the 21st Century. So what do you do? Draw out the 1st, 2nd, 3rd & 4th commandments off the list. Now you only have Six.
5. Honor thy father and thy mother, that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God is giving thee.
Obedience. Respect for Authority. Just another name for controlling people. Truth be told, Obedience & Respect shouldn’t be automatic. They should be earned. They should be based on the parent’s performance.
Segue: Some parents deserve respect, most of ’em don’t. 😉
We’re down to Five! Let’s jump around the list a little bit.
8. Thou shall not steal.
9. Thou shall not bear false witness against thy neighbor
Stealing & Lieing. These two both prohibit the same kind of behavior: Dishonesty. STEALING & LIEING. So you don’t need two of them. Instead, you combine the two & you call it
Thou shall not be dishonest.
Suddenly we’re down to Four. As long as we’re combining I have to others that belong together
7. Thou shall not commit adultery.
10. Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s house; Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is thy neighbor’s.
Once again, these two prohibit the same kind of behavior: Marital Infidelity. The difference is that coveting takes place in the mind, & I don’t think you should outlaw fantasizing about someone else’s wife. Otherwise, what’s a guy gonna think about when he’s waxing his carrot? LOL.
Coveting thy neighbor’s goods. This one is just plain fucking stupid. Coveting thy neighbor’s goods is what keeps the economy going! Your neighbor gets a vibrator, you’re gonna be faithful? Of course you wanna get one too! Coveting creates jobs. Leave it alone.
But Marital Fidelity is a good idea so we’re gonna keep the idea & call this one
Thou shall not be unfaithful.
Down to Three, we are. BUT when you think about it, Honesty & Fidelity are really part of the same overall value. So in truth you could combine the Two Honesty commandments with the Two Fidelity commandments & give them simpler language, positive language instead of negative and we’re gonna call the whole thing
Thou shall always be honest & faithful.
Down to Two. You throw in the big Honesty & Fidelity commandment & the one we haven’t talked about yet
6. Thou shall not kill.
BUT when you think about it, when you THINK about it, religion has never really had a big problem with murder. Yeah. See here…
More people have killed in the name of God than for any other reason.
All you have to do is look at Northern Ireland, Middle East, Kashmir, The Inquisition, The Crusades & The World Trade Center to see how seriously the religious folks take ‘Thou shall not kill’. The more devout they are, the more they see Murder as being negotiable. It’s negotiable, you know. It depends on who’s doing the killing & who’s getting killed.
With all these in mind, I leave you with the revised Two Commandments, plus one. 🙂