Noah’s version of Adventure Time

The ark that Noah built was 300 cubits long, 50 cubits wide, and 30 cubits high. It was made of gopher wood and was covered with pitch inside & outside. Seven days before the flood, God told Noah to go into the Ark with his household, and to take seven pairs of every clean animal and every bird, and one pair of every other animal, to keep their species alive.

First off, the natural world currently has 7.77 Million (est.) animal species.

Of course during Noah’s time that number has to be way fucking higher. There was far less poaching, logging (legal/illegal), forest burning, & hunting back then. Let’s say the number of animal species during Noah’s time was 10 Million & he has to take seven pairs (14 per animal species) with him. That’s like 140 Million animals inside that ark! How did that number fit inside a freakin’ ark?

Don’t answer me with “God works in mysterious ways” bitch.

One thing is certain: God & Noah aren’t zoologists.

Is gopher wood & pitch really that strong? In that case why aren’t we building houses, buildings or even sky scrapers with that shit?


Long, long ago when the world was young, God saw that all flesh on Earth had become corrupt and lawless, and God decided to bring a flood to destroy all flesh.

Segue: According to religious people, the age of the Earth is right around 6,000 years old. Scientists say that the age of the Earth was 4.5 Billion years old so let’s pop that in.

4.5 Billion years ago, God saw that all flesh on Earth had become corrupt and lawless, and God decided to bring a flood to destroy all flesh.


THAT’S FUCKIN’ GENOCIDE! Straight to the annihilation of the human race! Anger management issues! Wow! He didn’t even calm the fuck down! It’s even said that he’ll even destroy the animals. Wow! He even had issues with ants? What did the chickens, cows, & the hamsters do?

So after Noah somehow placed the 140 Million animals inside the ark, God sent down a rain. It rained for 40 days & 40 nights & the water swelled 15 cubits above the highest mountains. That makes the flood 29,000 feet because 15 cubits is 22.86 (23) feet & Mount Everest is 29,029 feet, but it’s probably smaller during Noah’s time because Everest’s growth rate is 6.1 centimeters per year.

They (Noah, his family, & the animals) were in the ark for 150 days. Most of the animals probably became extinct because they were crushed to death or were eaten by the beasts.

The sea creatures were probably having the time of their lives during the deluge. Their domain increased by tenfold, what’s not to like? The crabs & lobsters were probably like “I’m on a fucking mountain! This is amazing! I never want this flood to recede! I’ve never been up here before!”

Days passed and the water level now seems to be going down so he sent a raven. It just to & fro. So the raven lost its job & the dove took its place. It also went to & fro. A week later he sent the dove out again. An early sign of racism.

The flood was gone after a few weeks & they finally found a land for them to settle. Noah made a sacrifice & God made a covenant. God set the rainbow in the clouds as the sign of his covenant with earth, so that when the bow appeared in the clouds, God would remember his covenant and the waters would never again flood to destroy all flesh… just a part of it… through storms, flash floods, & tidal waves.

So that’s how it is. Rainbows. That is how it is used today. They took it literally. LOL.


One thought on “Noah’s version of Adventure Time

  1. Pingback: Moses and the Red Sea | Inclined with Insanity

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s