We’re going to look at some advertising lingo here, especially food advertising.
You know their lines. “Fresh, natural, all-hearty, ol’-fashioned, home made goodness… In a can”. That kind of stuff.
Let’s take a look at some of these words.
Old-Fashioned. When you hear old-fashioned you’re supposed to think “O this goes back to the old days!”. Right… The old days… Before we had sanitation laws, before hygiene became popular, back when botulism was considered a sauce! Old-fashioned is supposed to give you a warm feeling, make you think about your grandmother. I don’t know about you but when I’m picking out food I don’t wanna be picturing geriatric people with wrinkles in rags with a big and hairy mole sticking out of their infected lips.Then you have
Home Made. You see this in the packages in the super markets. Believe me, it is physically impossible for a food-processing plant to produce anything home made. I don’t care if the CEO is living in the basement and cooking on a hot plate. It’s not going to happen. You see home made in the restaurants too. Home made soup, home made stew and whatnot. The soup is not home made, unless someone is living in the kitchen and if that’s the case I want to get a good look at this bloke. I want to check this guy for lesions, carbuncles and ringworm and head lice. Another one, and it’s close to home made, is
Home Style. When the advertising imbeciles realize that home made sounds too full of shit they go to home style. Home style flavor. Whose home are we talking about? There’s nothing home style about the boiled head of a teenager, okay? Even if you sprinkle parsley or basil on the hair. Anytime they add the word Style to another word someone is pulling your brick. “Old style goodness”, what does that mean? Nothing! “Hawaiian style pizza”, it means it’s not located in Hawaii! The joint’s located in Makati, the owner is from the Bicol region and the food tastes like things that the Cebuanos throw away! Then you have
Gourmet. Here’s another word that the advertising cretins have completely wiped their asses with. “Gourmet dining in a cup”, “Gourmet cuisine in a can”. By the way, whenever you read or hear Cuisine in place of food be prepared to pay an extra eighty percent. “Gourmet rolls”, “Gourmet coffee”, “Gourmet pizza”, these things do not exist! You want to know what gourmet food is? Toasted Snail Penises, Candied Moose Testicles, Deep Fried Tamaraw Dick. Here’s another full of shit food word
Hearty. Soup is hearty, breakfast is hearty. You know what I do when I read or hear the word hearty? I look at the label. If it has 300 grams of saturated fat it is hearty indeed! Gives you the heart attack. It’s the same with Buttery, Lemony and Chocolaty. “Chocolaty goodness”. You know what that means? No chocolate! Beware when they add Flavor to another word. “Lemon flavored drink”. No lemons! “Chicken flavored treat”? Right. No fucking chickens.
Zesty and Tangy are not real words that normal human beings use in conversations. They’re advertising words. Do you ever heard someone saying “This is really zesty!” to you? One more food word and it is
Natural. This is directed to all you healthy food maniacs and environmental nitwits and upstart cocksuckers who are running around. Natural is completely meaningless. Everything is natural. Nature includes everything. It’s not just trees and flowers. It’s everything! A chemical company’s toxic waste is completely natural! It’s part of nature. We’re all part of nature. Dog shit is natural. It’s just not real good food.