That is fucking bananas!

If there REALLY is a God then that dude is an asshole, which I know is not a popular belief.

I do think he is an asshole because every story… Abraham, for example. He went to Abraham in the middle of the night. There like, I dunno, eight guys that God bothered. He likes to bother people, you know.

So God went into Abraham’s house and said “Hey Abraham! Hey! It’s God, baby!”

Abraham was like, “Who? What? What’s up?”

“Kill your son dude! Kill your son for me!”

“You mean Isaac?”

“I don’t know his name just kill him dude! Kill him for me because I am God!”

“Why?”

“Because you don’t love me when you do not do it!”

Abraham said, “Dude you are insecure. I don’t understand you. But okay, fine.”

So Abraham placed Isaac on a sacrificial altar. At the very last second God appeared and said, “What the fuck, STOP! Sacrifice this fucking ram instead. Here. Go!” and the two just went home feeling fucked up.

You know something? God reminds me of a very shitty girlfriend. “You won’t do it because you don’t love me!”, okay I’ll do it. “Why are you doing it?!”, what the fuck do you want from me?! JESUS!

But that’s a sin, they say. To say the lord’s name in vain. You could go to hell by just saying “Jesus Christ” with a different tone of voice. It’s a very subtle sin. Say “Jesus Christ” normally, that’s fine. Say “Jesus Christ!” and you’ll go to hell forever just for saying it like that. That is one of the top ten commandments, by the way. Necrophilia isn’t even on that list but don’t say the dude’s name in a shitty attitude is!

I think it is so unfair, though, to send people in hell for saying “Jesus Christ” because saying it is too satisfying. It just feels good, it cleans you out whether you’re angry, in pain, having sex or all three at the same time. What do folks say before that dude? How do people express themselves in a big moment? Even the people who knew him, or the people who watch him get crucified. What were they saying when they watched him get nailed to the cross?

Is it… “That is bananas!”?

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2 thoughts on “That is fucking bananas!

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