The things that you never see or hear

There’s a lot of things that you never see and you don’t know when you see them because you never see them! You got to see something first, then you see it and you say “Hey! I’ve never seen that!”. Too late, you just saw it!

You never see a foreign luxury car with a bumper sticker on it that says

You never a really tall and fat Chinese guy with red hair.

You never see someone taking a shit while driving at full speed.

You never see a picture of Angela Merkel strapping on a dildo.

Then there are some things that you never hear. You never hear people saying to their dad that they should drink more. Here’s something that you do not hear too often:

“Do whatever you want to the girl but leave me alone!”

This is one of the things that you will never hear:

“As soon as I shove this back scratcher up my ass I’m going to chop my dick off and run naked in public!”

You know why you’ve never heard that? Because no one has ever said that, which to me was the more amazing thing. No one has ever said that after I’ve typed that. I’m the first person in the world to put those things together in that particular order! Here’s another thing that you don’t hear too often:

“Honey let’s sell the children, move to Zanzibar and begin taking Opium rectally.”

“Mom I got a big date tonight can I borrow a french tickler from you?”

Then there are some things that you do not want to hear. Some things that you just do not flat-out wanna hear. You don’t want to come home from work and hear this:

“Honey, remember how we told the children never to play on the railroad tracks?”

You don’t want to be sitting in your doctor’s office and hear this:

“Well there’s no reason why you shouldn’t live for twenty to thirty more years, however you will be bleeding constantly from both eyes.”

You also don’t want to be hearing this:

“Honey it’s police. They have a search warrant and the 300 kilograms of cocaine are still sitting out in the living room!”

Here is something I don’t want to hear:

“I am pregnant, your the father and I’m going to kill all three of us!”

Geez, calm down and have some dip!

Here is something that nobody wants to hear. You and your fiancée have been invited to your mom and dad’s house for dinner for the first time. Halfway through dinner your fiancée stands up and says:

“I’ll be right back. I got to take a dump!”

There seems to be no really gentle way of announcing publicly a dump. Frankly I’m not impressed with people who tell me what they’re going to do when they go to the bath room in the first place. Doesn’t that bother you? People who say this:

“I’ll be back in a jiffy! I’m going to take a shit!”

Nevermind! Do what you have to do and leave me out of it!

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