Women II: Foreplay, Sex and Misogyny

Hey this was made just for the sake of humor. Don’t take this shit seriously.

I’m trying not to be sexist or a misogynist. Bah, let’s face it. Birds can’t take it.

After the women finished reading this article I expect them not to be offended. Of course not! They are thinking about shoes! They always are!

That’s post-modern misogyny. That joke was in fact ironic. I’ve got a theory as to why women by so many shoes! Because they spend so much time on their feet… Walking around shops… Buying shoes.


I’ve got a friend who doesn’t believe in sex before marriage so I showed him some photos and I said “She can’t be married to all four of them!”.


You know, my partner is a deep sleeper. You can’t wake her up easily, which has its advantages. She’s going to be thriller when I tell her she’s pregnant.

A couple of weeks ago I failed to perform sexually. I’m not going to elaborate that one. Suffice it to say, I arrived early. My partner said “Don’t worry. That happens to a lot of guys!”, I said

“Right. I’ll stop you there. A couple of things: First off, who were these ‘a lot of guys’? Secondly, if it’s happening to more than one man don’t you think it could be your fault? Hey, if you get a burning sensation later when you pee it could be one of three things: It could be Cystitis, it could be a bushfire, or someone’s talking about your pussy.”


Are there actually any women in the world who doesn’t like blowjobs?

Sorry, that’s the nicest and most truthful way that I can say that. The reason why I’m asking this is because one night I was with this woman and she goes down there for three seconds and she starts coming right back up. I’m trying to push her head down back but she’s resisting and a she said “I think you’ve had enough”.

Really? I think you’re going to know when I’ve had enough. Yeah. Pretty definite ending to this. It blew my mind, and that’s all that was blown, so I’m asking those ladies why don’t you want to do that to your guy? I cannot conceive a reason as to why you don’t want to do that.

Actually I’ve asked this question to my girl friends and they said “Yeah, have you ever tried it on yourself?” I said “No but if we can blow ourselves we will have no need of you ladies anymore.”

Some girls answer me with “Because that’s disgusting!”. Well that’s a tad harsh. It’s a bit funny too because the ladies do not hear us saying that it’s disgusting when we are down between your legs, and when we are down there we never hear you say anything like “O I’m going to throw up! O don’t put your finger on my OH!”… Or maybe we couldn’t hear that because our ears are being clamped by your thighs while we are down there.


Sometimes when I’m doing a chick, I can get to do her again the morning but sometimes I’ll say things like this

“No. When we fucked last night your hole was dry and now I’m sore. Your problem.”

My job was to get an erection. Your job was to get your hole wet. We both had things to do. Why didn’t you get your hole wet?

If I did not get an erection during sex I’ll be called impotent. A dry hole is just the same. A dry hole is an impotent hole and you’re not a complete woman and you should be ashamed of yourself.

Women don’t take responsibility for their dry holes. If I get to fuck a chick tonight and I did not get an erection, she’ll go back to her friends and say “I went to fuck that guy. He couldn’t get an erection”, but if I go to fuck a chick and she did not get her hole wet she’ll say to them, “I fucked that guy but he did not get me wet!”.

See the problem there? I need to be in charge of everything!


One of the worst text messages that I have ever received was this: “You never made me come”.

Pfft. Does she think she’s the one who makes me come? Do you know who makes me come? I do! All the horrible thoughts in my head makes me come! You have very little to do with it! You’re just a container that I shoot it into!



Let’s explain foreplay. It’s what we do to each other to be ready for sex. If I have an erection, that means I’m ready for sex and I’m all foreplayed out. Now the foreplay that’s necessary for women goes like this:

Kiss them. Women love kissing. Men do not give a shit about kissing. We kiss you because we like you and, let’s be honest, we spoil you. Men do NOT  give a shit about kissing. During the teenage years we do until someone sucked our dick. After their dicks get sucked they’ll be like “Why am I kissing? Why am I kissing this person?! Why would I ride on the swings when I’ve already been to Disneyland?”.

Then you start kissing her neck and while you’re doing that you’re working downwards. Towards the cunt. You know you’re going to the cunt, she knows you’re going to the cunt, everybody knows you’re going to the cunt!

You are going to the cunt but for some unknown reasons you’re going to act like you’re not going to the cunt, and that you’re enjoying the journey on the body of this creature. Women. You got to give them a journey. Men do not give a shit about the journey. If a man is driving from point A to point B, we fill the tank, we get on the motorway and we make good time. With women, you got to give them a fucking journey.


Women read so many magazines about how to send their man wild, how to titillate their man, all these 25 steps to do blah blah blah. It’s just a lot of fucking bullshit. “Get a feather!”, “Involve food in their relationship!”, “Play with his nipples!”, fucking bullshit! These things are dead to me, my nipples. These mean nothing! You could cut these off and donate them to some poor African child without nipples and I would not give a fuck!

This is just what we want you to do: Fuck and suck our cock and play with our balls, and when you’re sucking our cocks try to look like you’re in a bit of pain because we enjoy it if you look uncomfortable!


Back to the foreplay.

You keep kissing down. Now you are at the tits. Now the tits are a mixed bag. Some tits you got to be firm with, some tits you got to be soft with, some tits you can bite the nipple, and some tits do not even have a nipple.

You still keep kissing and now you are at the cunt. But even if you’re at the cunt, you have to act like you’re not on the cunt. You have to act like you have stumbled on the cunt by accident. So you’ll be kissing a little bit of the thigh while the cunt is just near your ear and you have to sort of almost “Oh, hello! I was visiting the thigh I forgot you live down here! You mind if I pop in?”, then you lick the general cunt area. Then there is a bit that’s on top of the cunt. If you lick that they seem to enjoy it. LOL.

This all takes between ten and forty minutes and by now she might be wet, and that’s the foreplay that’s necessary for women.

Now for the foreplay that’s necessary for men:

We just need to see you naked. Maybe you need kisses, caresses, compliments and licks when all we need is you. Maybe we take our relationship seriously.

Wasn’t that a romantic joke? 🙂

Hey! As soon as you finish this, read this article’s introduction again!

3 thoughts on “Women II: Foreplay, Sex and Misogyny

  1. I´m a women, so when I read this, I´d really like to punch you a few time or something like that (not very hard, but I think you deserve a lovely nut kick for some of your thoughts about us) – BUT mainly I had to laugh myself to tears, so you`ll be spared 😉

    just in case you heard that not too often yet – your an awesome writer!

    (I´m from germany, so there may be a few grammar errors in my text:)

  2. you rude rude fuck… , as to why i love your work i have stopped looking for answers, you great and creative..

    now right back at you, i hope you don’t say your own name during sex.. .

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s