When someone dies…

There are things we say, when someone dies, that no one ever questions. They just go unexamined. After someone dies, the following conversation is bound to take place, probably more than once.

Two guys meet at a street. One of them says

“Hey did you hear? Frank Perez died.”

“Frank Perez? I just saw him yesterday!”

Yeah. So? Didn’t help. He died anyway. Apparently, the simple act of seeing Frank did not delay his death. In fact it may have made it more aggressive. Somehow, someway you could be responsible for Frank Perez’s death.

Here’s another thing they say after a death. This is usually said to the surviving spouse.

“Listen, if there is anything that I can do — Anything at all –please don’t hesitate to ask. “

What are you going to do, a resurrection? This is not the fucking New Testament, you know. You know what you should tell to a guy like that who wants to help?

“Fine. Why don’t you come to our house this weekend so you can paint our garage! Bring your plunger. The toilet upstairs overflowed and the shit are all over the bathroom floor. Bring a chainsaw and a pick axe. I’m going to put your ass to work.”

He wants to help? Fuck ’em, call his bluff. “Don’t hesitate to ask”… The nerve of those pricks! Here’s another thing that we say to a surviving spouse:

“I’m keeping him in my thoughts.”

Where? Where exactly in your thoughts does he fit? In between “My ass hurts!” and “Let’s fuck tonight honey!”? What are your priorities?

We use a lot of euphemisms when we talk about death. People say things like

“You know, I lost my father”. Bah! He’ll turn up! You got to stay optimistic with people like that. Give him a reason to hope.

There’s something else that is said after a death but this one involves belief, which is where I begin to have big problems. This one happens after the funeral, after the burial, and back at the house where the family and the friends and the loved ones of the deceased are having some food and drink and they’re enjoying some warm reminiscences of the person who passed away. Sooner or later someone is bound to say the following, especially after a few drinks…

“You know, I think he is up there now and he’s smiling down at us and I think he’s pleased.”

First of all, there is no “up there” for people to be smiling down from. It is poetic, it is quaint and, I guess for superstitious people, it provides a little comfort but it doesn’t exist. BUT if it did, and if someone did survive death in a non-physical form, I personally think that he would be far too busy with other celestial activities than to be standing around in paradise smiling down on live people. What kind of a fucking eternity is that?

Why is that nobody is saying “I think he’s down there now and he’s smiling up at us”? Apparently it never occurs to people who their loved ones might be in hell! Your dead parent(s) could be in Hell right now! Your father, for sure! If Hell is real, it would be full of dads. Even the ones that walked with their daughters down the aisle when they got married, the ones that you idolized because they’re great at playing Basketball and the ones that helped you become the great person that you are now! You never know what mischief dad was up to!

Parents in Hell. Kinda gives me a nice feeling, you know. Grandparents in Hell. Picture that. Picture your grandmother in Hell. Baking pies without an oven. If someone were in Hell, I doubt very seriously that he’d be smiling. I think he’s down there now screaming up at us and he’s in severe pain.

Speaking of dead people in Heaven, there are some people who not only believe that their dead parents in Heaven can see them, they honestly believe that their dead parents in Heaven can help them! You’ve heard these people, I’m sure. They honestly, somehow, believe that their dead parents in Heaven can intercede with God on their behalf to gain favors for the living. I am from a Catholic home. I heard this shit! They sit there on the chair with their fucking rosary and they look at you and they say,

“My dad was looking out for me. He’s looking out for me because he took me out of that jam.”

“My mom was with me during my surgery. I can feel her presence!”

Yeah, yeah, yeah! Whatever. Like the people who die have nothing better to do than to run the heavenly branch of the Make-a-Wish foundation. If people want to believe this kind of shit, that’s fine. I’ll let them believe it but I have a question about this. A question that involves… LOGIC!

—–o—–o—–Here it is:—–o—–o—–

Let’s say it’s true. Let’s allow the proposition that somehow dead parents in Heaven can help their living children. Fine.So you have a family living on Earth. A father, a mother and four kids. A family of six. Good family, nice family, doing all the good things, having a good time and making all the right moves.

The parents go away on a weekend trip and get killed in an accident, and the children, of course, survive. So now, according to this theory, these two people go to Heaven and they start helping their four living children with everything they need. These four kids grow up and have children of their own.

Let’s say all four of these grown children, which are now obviously adults, also die at the same time. Just for the sake of argument, let’s say that there was an explosion during a get-together dinner and these four died but the children survived because they were seated at the children’s table. So these four go to Heaven and they start helping their living children.

But what of the original two? What happens to the grandparents? Do they just go off duty now? What do they do? Is there a retirement program up there? Are there some other activities for these people? Pinball? Online poker? Mahjong? There must be something that they can do. Or do they have to remain in duty indefinitely? Do they keep on helping their living descendants forever and ever and ever? Is that what Heaven is all about? Helping the living? When do you get to just lie back on the clouds and take a fucking harp lesson?

People have been dying for a long, long time. There has been a lot of dead motherfuckers, did you know that? Yes you know that there’s a lot of dead motherfuckers! We’ve had so many billion people who lived on this planet.

So let’s say half of the people who have died went to Heaven. That’s a lot! If there really is a Heaven, it must be fucking crowded up there! It must get pretty busy and pretty hectic up there and God must get really pissed off with all these favors.

“Yeah! Yeah! I know! Exam’s on Thursday! Get the fuck out of here, would you?”

Even God can go on sensory overload. That’s why he wanted one day-off a week. Christians gave him Sunday, Jews gave him Saturday, Muslims gave him Friday. God has a three-day weekend! Which is probably just what he needs.

Now just a couple more questions about this theory:

Suppose you die without having any children. Who do you help? Strangers? It would be nice.

Suppose you’re an adopted child. Who helps you? Your biological mother? She does not even know where the fuck you live!

Suppose you kill your parents. Would they help you? I’ll guarantee you that Mr. and Mrs. Menendez are not helping those two boys of them.


4 thoughts on “When someone dies…

  1. Recently, a neighbor and friend lost his beloved pet dog. He had just retired so it hit him hard and he was upset. I did what only makes sense. I went and got him an 18 pack of beer and a sympathy card and handed them over the fence to him. No words other than ‘sorry for your loss’….

    Why can’t people be practical like that?

    Really cool post.

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