The miracle of Jesus

I was at this Christian paraphernalia store the other day (I do not even know how I got there) and I saw this really cool poem, or just another literary form with poetic bits in it. It was a really nice sentiment and it’s called “Footprints”.

Yes. Footprints.

It’s kinda cool. It’s this wooden thing that’s lacquered. It has a picture of a guy walking along the beach and he’s talking to Jesus and he said

“Jesus, I’ve noticed that you’ve been there with me for all my life and there have been two sets of footprints when we were walking down by the beach, but I noticed that when I was going through my hardest times, my worst troubling trials and tribulations, there was only one set of footprints...What’s up with that?

And then I thought to myself, in a godly, Jesus-like voice “Well, my son, that is when I was helping one of the other 7,000,000,000 people on the planet. You selfish fuck!”

I think people give Jesus way too much credit  than he deserves. I do, and especially when people mention or talk about the Crucifixion. People always go like this:

“He died for your sins! He had nails in his fucking hands for you! FOR YOU!”

Whenever I hear that, I’m thinking to myself and keep asking myself some stuff. I go like

“Yeah, why wouldn’t he want to get crucified? That made him! You know? Why would he fight that? I mean he’s sitting pondering and going like ‘Let’s see… Uh… I could stay here where almost everybody hates me, I’m misunderstood, there’s no health care, there’s no dental care, everybody walks around with open sores, they’re syphilitic, they’re Protein deficient, I can’t eat one meal without getting sand in it. I could hang out here for a little longer… Or I can be martyred, go up to Heaven where all my pets are, apparently, and sit at My Father’s side in judgment of all mankind for the rest of eternity.

‘Hmm, I wonder… O! Okay guys! Go ahead! Crucify me! W-What do you mean you only got Three nails? Well do my feet like this! LET’S GO! Less time here, more time there! In Heaven.'”

But the coolest thing that Jesus ever did was when he was at a wedding and they ran out of wine and Jesus turned the water into wine. That’s cool! That’d be great. I mean, if you like wine. Otherwise, it would kinda suck.

You know… You, Jesus, the disciples and your family are travelling across the desert in the middle of the day, trying to quench your thirst and you take a sip and you’re like “Oh! Who did this? Was it Jesus? Yeah, well turn it back alright?! I got kids here, and it’s 38 degrees Centigrade, you know! Maybe we ought to get a buzz on right now!”

But what hassle for Jesus, though! That’s why he had so many followers, you know! They were severe alcoholics! They were willing to follow him and when they see a body of water they’ll say “Jesus! Look here! Pond! Pond, Jesus! Come on, do the-oh…”

What a bummer for him, you know. He’s up at night, writing on his diary or whatever he does. He’s in his tent and his people are partying over the next tent and he’s being hassled by those guys coming in his tent and saying “Hey! Jesus! Sorry to disturb, just uh… One thing: I’m hanging out with Matthew and Luke and uh… Well, we had done ran out of wine. So if you could get to it, on your own time there, just do your little dic dic-a-doo and uh… Fill that bad boy up and uh… So we can… And also one more thing! I don’t know if you can do this or not but uh… I’m just wondering, but I got this sage… But I don’t know… If you can! Alright.”

Fucking bananas!


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