Things to do when you’re bored

I’m always amazed at my ability to get bored. To me, it should be almost impossible to just stay and age. Even if I ended up living on a chunk of ice floating just off the Greenland coast, I would have at the very least memories of thousands of TV shows and movies and video games, etc., and that’s on top of my real life memories that have nothing to do with those stupid little stories.

How lazy am I that I actually toss my game controller aside, step over a pile of candy coated magazines, click off whatever hilarious website making a witty point about whatever celebrity is in trouble for flashing her titties, open a window and shout “I’m bored!” to the beautiful heavens above.

There’s no excuse, young man! That’s me. I’m yelling at myself.

Get out and make something happen! Put down your graphic novel and get out there and make your own fun! Seriously!

Here are a few ideas to get you and me going:

Murder someone who deserves it. Try it. It’s way harder than you think. You can’t leave a trace or you’ll be leaving in fear of every knock on the door, every phone ring, or fax noise, although, come to think of it, you probably would never be bored again.

Hmm. Maybe I’m starting off too advanced. Let’s step it back a tad and do this again. Okay, how about these ideas:

1.) When an employee at a store seeking a commission as a supplement to their minimum wage hounds you as soon as you enter and asks if you need any help, act completely startled. Jump a bit and say “Oh! You scared me!” and laugh a little, but to yourself. But don’t stop laughing, that’s the key. Laugh for about a minute-and-a-half, always look the the employee for some assurance then, in the smoothest transition, start crying. Cry softly for a minute, fall to the floor, and take a nap. Cry yourself to sleep. Refuse to leave until someone gives you a glass of warm milk. By one sip, immediately return it.

2.) If you’re on a long flight, bring on board one of those S & M black leather masks with no eye holes on it and a zipper for a mouth. Wear it. When someone inevitably complains while you’re wearing it, explain that it’s your sleep masks and you would appreciate not being disturbed. Try to do this on an aisle seat and keep your head as far out into the aisle as possible, and some later point, order a glass of wine and drink it with your mask on through your zipper hole. Then with the mask still on, complain about how the movie is not family friendly enough. Also fart and get frustrated not being able to smell it.

3.) Wear an iPod, or an MP3 Player with big, conspicuous headphones but don’t have anything playing. Walk into a shoe store, or again, any store where you are annoyingly hounded all over the store by an employee, and slightly bop your head to the music and hum a little and then, every once in a while, sing something about getting shoes or the shoe store. When the employee starts to strategically align himself so that they can ask you if you need any help, pretend you don’t see them and try to get them to follow you as much as possible. As the employee gets farther away, but still observing you, start singing a little louder and complete more verses. Pick up shoes, consider them while singing.

Keep doing this until the employee, now confused, approaches you. Make a big deal about being into your song and not noticing it first, and when you do notice turn your music “off” and take your headphones off as well. Smile and acknowledge them and when they ask you if you want any help just smile and say “O no, no. I’m just killing time while my girlfriend is trying stuff on.”, then put your headphones and “turn on” your music player and start singing even louder about how this dumbass shoe store clerk who doesn’t know how to help you blah blah blah.

4.) Make a sandwich at a grocery store. Now this one’s interesting. I saw this in a movie many years ago and I thought it was the coolest thing ever.  This takes a lot of balls but it poses no danger to anybody and it has a mild yet satisfying “Fuck you, Mr. Corporate suit and tie!” quality that I would hope even the most uptight supermarket manager would be able to objectively appreciate.

The title says it all. It’s pretty much self-explanatory. Just walk into the store, head to the bread section, grab a split roll, go over to the condiment section, open up and squirt a little mayo or mustard or whatever you like. Some people like capers. Me? Not so much. Then head over to the lettuce and tomato bin. If you want tomato, you’ll have to grab a knife from the cutlery aisle. Take what you need, but need what you take.

5.) Next time and every time you are in a hotel, motel, Holiday Inn (Say what?!), take a Bible and inscribe “Best wishes!” and put your name there. Then make notes randomly throughout the books, circling passages or writing things like “What the fuck?”, “Is thiz for realz?”, “BULLSHIT!”, etc, etc. Then leave the Bible there.


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