The Bible. A book chock full of rumors.

The trouble about rumor is if it is written down, someone would believe it. You can have the most far-fetched, made up, impossible, illogical bullshit and if it is in print, someone would believe it!

Just look at The Bible.

Old Testament. O, that’s my favorite. It’s brilliant! I like The God in that one. It’s the better one. The New Testament God, he’s a bit wishy-washy. The Old Testament God is like a dad from the 1950s. He takes his belt off and he’s like “What did you just fucking do?! You know the rules! You fucker… FLOOD! You! What have you done?! Here’s one for you! PESTILENCE! Fuck off.”

I’ve been an atheist for a long time now and when I went to college, by then I knew about Natural Selection, The Big Bang Theory, Carbon Dating and the legitimate and approximate age of the Earth. My theology teacher, I was the bane of his life. Looking back, he was a bit thick and deeply religious. He hated me. He hated me because I was smart (Is that what you call it?) and I wouldn’t let him get away with anything. So when he said things like “…and God made the Heaven and  the Earth in six days and the Earth is 5,000 years old”, I’ll always say “No, it isn’t! It’s 4,600,000,000 Billion years old!”, and when I ask him “Why did he do that?” he’ll always fire back with “God can do anything.” and I’ll be like “Why did he do it in six? Why didn’t he do it in five? Let’s push him a little bit.”

He was saying that everything that happens, God does. He’s done everything, everything that happens, he means everything, he’s on top of it, he’s everywhere and everything he does is good. Well that’s clearly not true either. Why newborn babies are taken away from their parents? They’re innocent. Why are some people born into abject poverty? And he went:

GOD MOVES IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS

It’s not an answer, is it? We swear on The Bible on the court of laws, still and if the judge will say to you “How do you account with fact that you say you were home, asleep at midnight, but we found your DNA at the scene of the crime?” and you went “I move in mysterious ways, good night! It will wash!”

This is how stupid this teacher was. A kid asked him, “Sir, why do we swear on The Bible on the court of laws?”. Clearly, the answer is if you believe in God and if that’s your God, you believe in him and you believe he is watching you, you get a guild trip and you don’t lie. Yet, he didn’t work that out. So, thinking on his feet, he said “Because every law of the land is mentioned in The Bible” I quickly said “No, it isn’t!”, he said “Yes it is. Somewhere in The Bible, every law of this land is mentioned.”. I went “Even video piracy?”

A friend of mine, who I know is religious, said that “O him? (Referring to me) He deconstructs The Bible. That’s too easy.”.Well it shouldn’t be! If you believe that The Bible is a serious doctrine, it shouldn’t be too easy to deconstruct.

Our theology teacher said “God is everywhere and in everything. He’s solidly through the Universe” and I came prepared, and I thought this will end it, I said “Sir, is God in a vacuum? A vacuum is something that’s scientifically proven to have nothing in it.” and he went “Yep!” with a cough! That’s it! I thought to myself that I can’t win that, so I said:

“Is he at my ass?”

“Is he up your ass?”

“Sir, is God up all our asses? Including Richard Gere’s. It must be crowded up there, isn’t it?”

The New Testament is founded on the belief that Jesus is half-man, half-God, born from a virgin womb. I think that particularly is a rumor. But hey! Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but if you believe in God… You’re wrong.

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