Ladies and gentlemen, we’re privileged to have with us a man known all over the world as the Prince of Peace, Jesus Christ! How are you, Jesus?
JC: Fine. Thanks, and let me say it’s great to be back.
Can you tell us after all these time why you came back?
JC: Mostly nostalgia.
Could you tell us Jesus a little bit about the first time you where here?
JC: Well, there’s not much to tell. I think everybody knows the story by now. I was born on Christmas and uh, actually that always bothered me because that way I only got one present. You know if I was born a couple of months early I would have had two presents. But look, I’m not complaining. It’s only material.
Were you really born in a stable?
JC: Nah. I was born on a hospital. Bethlehem Jewish Hospital, but the hospital was located in a stable. That’s how the story got started.
And is it true that there was no room at the inn?
JC: Oh no, they had room. We just did not have reservations. My father Joseph, God bless him, he was a simple man. He did not travel much so he forgot to make reservations.
There’s a story that three wise men…
JC: Well there were three kings that showed up. I don’t know how wise they were. They did not look wise. They said they followed a star. That doesn’t sound wise to me.
Didn’t they bring gifts?
JC: Yes. Uh… God, frankincense and, I believe, myrrh. Which I never did find out what that was. You do not happen to know what myrrh was, did you?
Uh, well, I believe it is a reddish-brown, bitter gum resin.
JC: Oh great! Great! Just what I need! A gum resin. What am I going to do with a gum resin? I’d rather have the money. That way I can go out and buy something I need. You know, something I would not normally buy for myself.
What would that be?
JC: I do not know. Maybe a bathing suit? I never had a bathing suit. Maybe a Devo hat or a bicycle. I really could have used a bicycle. You realize the walking I did? I must have Canaan six or eight times, up and down, North and South, walking and talking, doing miracles, telling stories.
Tell us about the miracles. How many miracles did you perform?
JC: A grand total of 107 miracles, not counting the loaves and fishes.
Why don’t you count the loaves and the fishes?
JC: Well, technically that one was not a miracle.
It was not?
JC: It turned out a lot of people were putting them back. Did not like them. Actually not all of those miracles were pure miracles, anyway.
What do you mean? What were they if they weren’t miracles?
JC: Some of them were parlor tricks, optical illusions, mass hypnosis, hallucinations, and acupressure. That’s how I cured most of the blind guys. Acupressure.
So not all of the New Testament is true?
JC: No. Some of that Gospel stuff never happened at all. It was just made up. Luke and Mark used a lot of drugs. See, Luke was really a physician and he had access to drugs. Matthew and John were okay, but Luke and Mark would write anything.
What about raising Lazarus from the dead?
JC: First of all, he was not dead. He was hung over. That’s all.
But in The Bible, you said he was dead.
JC: I said he LOOKED dead. I said ‘Hey, he looks dead!’. You see Lazarus was a very heavy sleeper, plus the day before, we’ve been to a wedding feast and poured away a lot of wine.
Was that the wedding feast at Canaan where you changed the water into wine?
JC: I do not know. We went to an awful lot of wedding feasts.
But did you really turned water into wine?
JC: Not that I know of. One time I did turn apple juice into milk but I really don’t recall the water-into-wine thing.
Alright. Speaking of water, let me ask you about another miracle. What about walking on the water? I mean, did that really happened?
JC: Oh yeah. That was one that really happened. You see the problem was I can do it but the other guys could not do it! They were jealous. Peter got mad at me so he got these special big shoes that if you start out walking real fast you can float on the water for a little while. That of course, after a few yards down he goes into the water and sank like a rock. That’s why I called him and said ‘Thou art Peter, and upon this rock I shall build my church’.
Well that brings up the apostles! What can you tell us about the apostles?
JC: Well they were a good bunch of guys. You know, they smelled like bait but they were a good bunch of guys. Fourteen of them, we had.
Fourteen? The Bible says there were only twelve.
JC: Well, that was according to Luke. I told you about Luke. Actually, we had fourteen apostles. We have Peter, James, John, Andrew, Philip, Bartholomew, Matthew, Thomas, the other James, Thaddaeus… Let’s see, how many is that?
JC: Okay, uh… Simon, Judas, Matthias, who replaced that bastard Judas, and Red.
JC: Yeah. We called him ‘Red the apostle’.
Red the apostle? He doesn’t appear on The Bible.
JC: That’s because he kept pretty much to himself. He never came to any miracles. He was a little strange. He even thought that the Red Sea was named after him.
What about Judas?
JC: Hey, don’t get me started on Judas.
Okay, well, what about the other apostles? For instance, Thomas. Was he really a doubter?
JC: This guy, Thomas, you could not tell him nothing, you know. He’s always asking me for my ID. As soon as I see him, he’ll go ‘Got any ID?’. To this day, he does not believe I am God.
Are you God?
JC: Well, partly. You know that. I am a member of The Trinity.
Yes. In fact, you’ve written a book about The Trinity, haven’t you?
JC: That’s right. It’s called ‘Three is a crowd’.
As I understand, it’s nothing more than a thinly veiled attack on The Holy Ghost.
JC: Listen, it is not an attack. You want to know what it is? I do not get along with the Holy Ghost. Right? So I leave him alone. That’s it. What he does, it’s his business.
Well why? What is the reason?
JC: Well first of all, you never know what he is going to be. Everyday that he shows up, he is something different. One day, he is a dove, another day he is a tongue of fire. Always fooling around! I do not bother with the guy, I do not want to know about him, I do not want to see him and I do not want to talk to him.
Well, let me change the subject. Is there really a place called Hell?
JC: Oh yes. Hell. Sure. There is also a ‘Heck’. It’s not as severe, but we got Heck and Hell.
What about Purgatory?
JC: Hmm. Don’t know nothing about no Purgatory. We got Heaven, Heck, Hell and Limbo.
What is Limbo like?
JC: I don’t know. No one is allowed in there. If anyone was in there, it would not be Limbo. Then it would be a place.
Getting back to your previous visit, Jesus. What can you tell us about the last supper?
JC: Well first of all, if I had known I was going to be nailed to a cross, I would have had a bigger meal. You never want to be crucified on an empty stomach.
The Crucifixion must have been terrible.
JC: It was awful, I got to tell you. Unless you have gone through it yourself, you could never know how painful it was. And tiring. It was very, very tiring and embarrassing. More than anything, it was embarrassing. Right in front of everybody to be crucified. Well, I do not know. I guess it redeemed a lot of people.
Were you scared?
JC: Yeah. In the end, I thought it was going to rain. I was afraid I might get hit by lightning. But all in all, I would say that when I was here I had a good time.
What do you think about Christianity?
JC: Well, I’m a little bit embarrassed about it. If I had to do it all over again, I think I’d start one of them Eastern religions like Buddha did. Buddha was smart! That’s why he’s always laughing.
You would not want to be a Christian?
JC: No. I do not want to be a member of any group that has a man nailed on to two pieces of wood as a symbol. Especially if it is me! While, Buddha is laughing, I am nailed to a cross.
I have a few more questions, do you mind?
JC: Hey, be my guest! How often do I get here?
Are there really angels?
JC: Well, not as many as we used to have. Years ago, we had millions of them. Today you can’t get the young people to join. Got to dangerous with radar and heat-seeking missiles.
What about guardian angels?
JC: Well, we still have guardian angels. But now, it’s one angel for every six people. Years ago, everybody has their own guardian angel.
Do you really answer prayers?
JC: No. First of all, most of them do not even get through! I mean, you got sunspots, you got radio interference. Years ago, we answered them all because the world has fewer people back then and they prayed for something simple. To light a fire, to catch a yak, something like that. Today, you got people praying for basketball teams, people praying for longer fingernails. We just can’t keep up with them.
Well, I think we are just about of time! I certainly want to thank you for visiting with us.
JC: Hey, no sweat.
You have any last thought or words of advice?
JC: You mean how to remove perspiration stains from a garment, something like that?
Uh, no. I mean spiritual advice.
JC: Well, I do not know how spiritual it is but I’ll say one thing: Don’t give your money to the Church! They should be giving their money to you!
Well, thank you, Jesus and have a good day!
JC: You too. Thanks for having me on this here interview today. Oh and by the way, big bands are definitely not coming back!