Watch You Mouth!

I call this “Watch Your Mouth!“.

It has to do with the way people speak. I’m easily annoyed by people’s speech habits and I regard certain words and phrases as warnings to break off contact immediately. In the interest of maintaining good mental health I try to avoid the following people:

Those who cannot resist saying “God forbid!” every time they mention the possibility of an accident or death, even though they don’t believe in God.

People who say “God rest his soul” following the mention of a dead person even if they hated the person and they don’t believe in God. These are the same ones who knock on wood and really mean it. Sometimes they’ll even glance around half-heartedly for something to knock on before giving up and just standing there like the morons they are.

And speaking of morons, can’t we somehow prevent adults from using words like “tooshie” and “boo boo” and “no-no” when speaking to grown ups? Why don’t we just send these people  to their rooms without supper? Tell ’em there will be no “yummy” in their “tummy”.

While we’re at it, let’s include all those colorful risk takers who actually use “heck” and “darn” for emphasis. What the fuck is this, 18 Century North America?

I also think we’d be better off if we could eliminate anyone who has a “can do” attitude, or is referred to as “take charge”, “all business” or “no non-sense”.  Have these people sedated

And let’s include the ones who describe themselves as “goal oriented”. PLEASE! Leave me alone!

Then there’s these people who tell you “I’m a people person! I’m a people person!”. I say to them “O, yeah? Me too. FUCK PEOPLE!”.

And what about these guys who have no job and they say to you “Are they keeping you busy?”. I happen to resent even the assumption that there are people who have the authority to keep me busy, least of all do I appreciate it from some guy who doesn’t seem to have a whole lot to do himself!

Let’s punish every homely man who ever thought it was clever to say “I’m not just another pretty face!”.

I think it’s time to start slapping around these people who can’t tell a simple story without repeatedly saying “You know what I’m saying?”. Here I am, trying to listen to the guy, and he’s a person who is constantly checking on how he is doing! “Blah blah blah blah blah, you know what I’m saying?” NO. The question is not do I not what you’re saying, the question is do YOU know what you are saying. You follow me on that?

I’m also getting tired of “arguably”. It’s weak. It tries to have things both ways. Take a stand!

And here are some jock sports fan adjectives that need to be outlawed. Listening to the color commentators for at least an hour you will be amazed at the number of times you hear the following words:

“Incredible!”
“Unbelievable!”
“Tremendous!”
“Outstanding!”
“Big!”
“Huge!”
“Large!”
“Major!”
“Key!”

Do these guys sound like maybe someone’s penis size is on their minds?

I can also do without people who tell me something, anything is either “The name of the game” or “That’s what it’s all about”. O, it is, huh? Well, FUCK YOU!

And let’s lose this guys who think it’s cute to say “Ouch!” when someone delivers a small amount of pain.

There’s another strain of speaker that I try to avoid. The pretentious and arrogant person. People who refer to themselves as “Yours truly”. What kind of grandiose crap is this? Some of them even speak of themselves in the third person. Athletes and entertainers are big on this demented shit. “I’m gonna do what’s right for Leon Spinks!”. I think people like this are mentally ill.

I also instantly dismiss anyone who tells me that some other person has “class”, is “classy”, or is a “class act”. The last of these being the most arrogant. What these speakers are telling is that they are among the few people who recognize class. It is their obligation to point it out for sorry ass folks like you. If you manage to listen to them just a little longer you’ll find that they are completely full of shit. And this is the same type of person who uses the word “tasty” when referring to music.

 The previous reference to class is of the same order of arrogance as the phrases “Not too shabby”, “He’s not dummy”, “I give him high marks”, “He’s got his head on straight”,  and “He really showed me something”. All of these phrases reek of presumed superiority.

And just when I thought all those precious twerps were about to stop saying “Not to worry”, and “By the by”, along came “What say you?” and “At the end of the day” to deepen my suffering. “At the end of the day” is probably most pretentious expression to come along since the “Moi” and “Ciao” crowd descended on us. “Just a tad” has a phony ring to it, so does “Just a scosche”. SPEAK ENGLISH!

Be on the alert for anyone who tells you something they did was “life affirming”. Some celebrity more than a decade ago said he stopped his TV show because it was “life affirming”. What a skeezix!

And can’t we figure out something evil to do to these people who call themselves “survivor”? Such self-regard! “I’m a survivor!” Good! Well, be sure to tell everyone at your funeral that you’re a fucking survivor!

This one is almost too easy: Guys who cant leave a room without saying “I’m out of here!”. You know what I say to them? “Good! STAY THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!”.

There are also certain reckless people in this country who are abusing “ongoing” and “early on”. Leave these terms alone, please? They mark you as a counterfeit. “Early on” has faux poetic aspirations and “ongoing” has only a very narrow area where it is distinctly appropriate.  And some of these “ongoing” felons are the same ones who have vandalized the phrase “even as we speak”. First, they shortened it to “as we speak”. Then they started using it every four minutes or so. “Even as I write this, my pissed offedness is ongoing”.

And fuck all the asshole people who say “God bless” and then don’t bother to complete the sentence. Who are they?! I haven’t the slightest. But if I were God, I would not honor such request.

Anyway, enjoy!

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