Watch You Mouth!


I call this “Watch Your Mouth!“.

It has to do with the way people speak. I’m easily annoyed by people’s speech habits and I regard certain words and phrases as warnings to break off contact immediately. In the interest of maintaining good mental health I try to avoid the following people:

Those who cannot resist saying “God forbid!” every time they mention the possibility of an accident or death, even though they don’t believe in God.

People who say “God rest his soul” following the mention of a dead person even if they hated the person and they don’t believe in God. These are the same ones who knock on wood and really mean it. Sometimes they’ll even glance around half-heartedly for something to knock on before giving up and just standing there like the morons they are.

And speaking of morons, can’t we somehow prevent adults from using words like “tooshie” and “boo boo” and “no-no” when speaking to grown ups? Why don’t we just send these people  to their rooms without supper? Tell ’em there will be no “yummy” in their “tummy”.

While we’re at it, let’s include all those colorful risk takers who actually use “heck” and “darn” for emphasis. What the fuck is this, 18 Century North America?

I also think we’d be better off if we could eliminate anyone who has a “can do” attitude, or is referred to as “take charge”, “all business” or “no non-sense”.  Have these people sedated

And let’s include the ones who describe themselves as “goal oriented”. PLEASE! Leave me alone!

Then there’s these people who tell you “I’m a people person! I’m a people person!”. I say to them “O, yeah? Me too. FUCK PEOPLE!”.

And what about these guys who have no job and they say to you “Are they keeping you busy?”. I happen to resent even the assumption that there are people who have the authority to keep me busy, least of all do I appreciate it from some guy who doesn’t seem to have a whole lot to do himself!

Let’s punish every homely man who ever thought it was clever to say “I’m not just another pretty face!”.

I think it’s time to start slapping around these people who can’t tell a simple story without repeatedly saying “You know what I’m saying?”. Here I am, trying to listen to the guy, and he’s a person who is constantly checking on how he is doing! “Blah blah blah blah blah, you know what I’m saying?” NO. The question is not do I not what you’re saying, the question is do YOU know what you are saying. You follow me on that?

I’m also getting tired of “arguably”. It’s weak. It tries to have things both ways. Take a stand!

And here are some jock sports fan adjectives that need to be outlawed. Listening to the color commentators for at least an hour you will be amazed at the number of times you hear the following words:

“Incredible!”
“Unbelievable!”
“Tremendous!”
“Outstanding!”
“Big!”
“Huge!”
“Large!”
“Major!”
“Key!”

Do these guys sound like maybe someone’s penis size is on their minds?

I can also do without people who tell me something, anything is either “The name of the game” or “That’s what it’s all about”. O, it is, huh? Well, FUCK YOU!

And let’s lose this guys who think it’s cute to say “Ouch!” when someone delivers a small amount of pain.

There’s another strain of speaker that I try to avoid. The pretentious and arrogant person. People who refer to themselves as “Yours truly”. What kind of grandiose crap is this? Some of them even speak of themselves in the third person. Athletes and entertainers are big on this demented shit. “I’m gonna do what’s right for Leon Spinks!”. I think people like this are mentally ill.

I also instantly dismiss anyone who tells me that some other person has “class”, is “classy”, or is a “class act”. The last of these being the most arrogant. What these speakers are telling is that they are among the few people who recognize class. It is their obligation to point it out for sorry ass folks like you. If you manage to listen to them just a little longer you’ll find that they are completely full of shit. And this is the same type of person who uses the word “tasty” when referring to music.

 The previous reference to class is of the same order of arrogance as the phrases “Not too shabby”, “He’s not dummy”, “I give him high marks”, “He’s got his head on straight”,  and “He really showed me something”. All of these phrases reek of presumed superiority.

And just when I thought all those precious twerps were about to stop saying “Not to worry”, and “By the by”, along came “What say you?” and “At the end of the day” to deepen my suffering. “At the end of the day” is probably most pretentious expression to come along since the “Moi” and “Ciao” crowd descended on us. “Just a tad” has a phony ring to it, so does “Just a scosche”. SPEAK ENGLISH!

Be on the alert for anyone who tells you something they did was “life affirming”. Some celebrity more than a decade ago said he stopped his TV show because it was “life affirming”. What a skeezix!

And can’t we figure out something evil to do to these people who call themselves “survivor”? Such self-regard! “I’m a survivor!” Good! Well, be sure to tell everyone at your funeral that you’re a fucking survivor!

This one is almost too easy: Guys who cant leave a room without saying “I’m out of here!”. You know what I say to them? “Good! STAY THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!”.

There are also certain reckless people in this country who are abusing “ongoing” and “early on”. Leave these terms alone, please? They mark you as a counterfeit. “Early on” has faux poetic aspirations and “ongoing” has only a very narrow area where it is distinctly appropriate.  And some of these “ongoing” felons are the same ones who have vandalized the phrase “even as we speak”. First, they shortened it to “as we speak”. Then they started using it every four minutes or so. “Even as I write this, my pissed offedness is ongoing”.

And fuck all the asshole people who say “God bless” and then don’t bother to complete the sentence. Who are they?! I haven’t the slightest. But if I were God, I would not honor such request.

Anyway, enjoy!

15 Rules To Live By


I’m going to give you fifteen rules to live by because life is not as difficult as people think. All you need is a good set of rules.

1.) Relax and take it easy.

Don’t get caught up in hollow conceits such as “doing something with your life”.  Such twaddle is outmoded and a sure formula for disappointment.

2.) Whatever it is you pursue, try to do it just well enough to remain in the middle third of the field.

Keep your thoughts and ideas to yourself and don’t ask questions.

Remember: The squeaky wheel is always the first one to be replaced.

3.) Size people up quickly and develop rigid attitudes based on your first impression.

If you try to delve deeper and get to know people you’re asking for trouble.

4.) Don’t fall for that superstitious nonsense about treating people the way you would like to be treated.

It’s a transparently narcissistic approach and maybe the sign of a weak mind.

5.) Spend as much time as you can pleasing and impressing others, even if it makes you unhappy.

Pay special attention to shallow manipulators who can do you the most harm.

Remember: In the overall scheme, you count for very little.

6.) Surround yourself with inferiors and losers.

Not only will you look good by comparison but they will look up to you and that will make you feel better.

7.) Don’t buy into the sentimental notion that everyone has shortcomings.

It’s the surest way of undermining yourself.

Remember: The really best people have no defects. If you’re not perfect something is wrong.

8.) If by some off chance you do detect a few faults in yourself, here’s what you have to do:

First, accept the fact that you are deeply flawed, then make a list of your faults and dwell on them. Carry the list around and try to think of things to add. Blame yourself for everything.

9.) Beware of intuition and gut instincts.

They are completely unreliable. Instead, develop pre-conceived notions and don’t waver unless someone tells you to, then change your mind and adopt their point of view. But only if they seem to know what they’re talking about.

10.) Never give up on an idea simply because it is bad and doesn’t work.

Cling to it! Even when it is hopeless! Anyone can cut and run but it takes a very special person to stay with something that is stupid and harmful.

11.) Always remember that today doesn’t count.

Trying to make something out of today only robs you of precious time that could be spent daydreaming or resting up.

12.) Try to dwell on the past.

Think of all the mistakes you’ve made and how much better it would be if you hadn’t made them. Think of what you should’ve done and blame yourself for not doing so. Don’t go easy, be really hard on yourself!

13.) If by chance you made a fresh mistake, especially a costly one try to repeat it a few times so you would become familiar with it and can do it easily in the future.

Write it down, put it with your list of your faults.

14.) Beware also of the dangerous trap of looking ahead.

It only gets you in trouble. Instead, try to drift along from day to day in a meandering fashion. Don’t get sidetracked with some foolish plan.

15.) And finally, enjoy yourself all the time and do whatever you want.

Don’t be seduced by that mindless chatter of going around about responsibility. That’s exactly the sort of thing that will ruin your life.

Indiviuality II: Groups, Unions, Associations


I don’t like ass kissers, flag wavers or team players. I like people who buck the system. Individualists!

I often warn kids by saying “Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you that there is no ‘I’ in ‘team’.” What you should tell them is “Maybe not, but there is an ‘I’ in ‘independence’, ‘individuality’, and ‘integrity’.”

Avoid teams at all costs. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name. If they say “Hi! We’re the so-and-so’s!”, take a walk! And if somehow you must join and it’s unavoidable, like a union or trade association, go ahead and join but don’t participate! It will be your death.

If they tell you you’re not a team player just congratulate them on being so observant!

individuality

My Reality Shows! :)


I’ve decided to cash in on TV’s reality show trend! And I ave several ideas, but they may need a little work, you know, before I approach the networks. Here’s what I’m working on:

1.) This first idea grew out of Survivor but I have a new twist. You put 12 people on a barren island and you let them starve to death. You make sure they get NO FOOD  but you provide plenty of fresh drinking water. You don’t want them to die of thirst. You want them to starve to death. Now that would be entertaining enough but here’s fun part: You make sure that half of the contestants are large, aggressive, physically fit individuals and the other half are small, mild-mannered, and physically weak.

Then you wait them out and see who survives. What’s more than that is you watch HOW THEY SURVIVE! The show is called

GUESS WHO’S FOR DINNER?

The only part I haven’t decided on is to provide them with utensils.

—–

2.) Here’s another idea that I think has a pretty good shot at the networks…

MANIAC ON DRUGS!

Each week you put a different homicidal maniac in a van filled with assault rifles and ammunition and you provide him with huge amounts of speed, crack, acid and PCP. Then you just let him drive around a highly urbanized city for several days and you video tape everything he does. Naturally, you clear all this with the police so that they don’t interfere with the smooth flow of the show.

At the end of 13 weeks you take all maniacs, give them fresh supply of drugs, and turn them loose at amusement parks with rocket-propelled grenades. Actually, now that I think about it, this idea is too good for the networks. I gotta put it on pay-per-view.

Here’s a variation for the finale (in case the people at amusement parks get squeamish):

You give the maniacs the same drugs but instead of grenade launchers you go back to the assault rifles. Everything’s the same but this time you put them on an ordinary non-stop passenger train from New York to Los Angeles. You strap video cameras to their heads and you let them run loose on the train, allowing them to befriend the other passengers.

Remember! It’s NON-STOP! No one can get off! I guarantee you that there’ll be a lot of great footage. By the way, to save a little money, this could also be done on a Greyhound bus. But you need a really good driver so he won’t get easily distracted.

—–

3.) Here’s a show that I’m proudest of because it took the most thought I call it

LUCKY BACHELOR!

Our chosen guy is selected from letters sent into the show.

Step One: The lucky bachelor is sent out on 3 different occasions to pick up women in cheap bars and bring each of them to a hotel where he tries to fuck them. If they go along easily, he then convinces them to commit a perverted act involving a floor lamp, a woodpecker and a box of rubber  bands. An act most people would consider completely depraved. All these activities are video taped.

Step Two: We stop 3 men at random on the street and show them the videos and ask them which of the women the lucky bachelor should marry. That women is called  the designated bride. We then ask the 2 losing women to vote on which of the three random street guys look like the best fuck. That guy is called the designated best fuck street guy.

Step Three: We take the 2 losing street guys and the 2 losing bar girls and feed them near fatal dozes of aphrodisiac, put them in thong bathing suits, and turn them loose on an adult sex shop with unlimited credit. This footage, strictly an added feature, could possibly be some of the liveliest on the show.

Now the alert reader is probably wondering and saying “What happened to our original bachelor?” Well, in

Step Four: We arrange for him and the designated best fuck street guy to stage a bare knuckle street fight to the death in the center aisle of the St. Peter’s in Rome during a papal high mass. The 2 men must keep fighting until one of them dies. It’s important to the show! As a side feature, we keep a camera trained on the Pope and every time he falls asleep during the fight, we give the guys an extra $100. The reason on why it is important that one of them dies is because the next day, in the same church, we’re going to hold

Step Five: A combination of a wedding and a funeral! The loser of the fight gets the funeral. The winner gets to marry the designated hotel fuck bride, with the remaining losing bar and hotel participants serving as bridesmaids and pall-bearers. We then give the newly weds all the leftover drugs on Maniac On Drugs and send them on a honeymoon to some nice and conservative golfing resort where they’re required to take large amounts of drugs and 2 weeks of golf and tennis lesson.

—–

4.) This next one is my make-over show. My working title is

TRY LOOKING LIKE THAT FOR A CHANGE!

You start by picking 3 incredibly beautiful and successful supermodels. And then, against their will, you sedate them, strap them down, and subject them to extensive plastic surgery. You give them big misshapen noses, sagging eye bags and plenty of wrinkles and drooping skin on their faces. Then you pump enough fat into their asses, hips and thighs to make them really unhappy.

When they come out of the anesthesia, the audience yells “Try looking like that for a change!”

I’m so excited about this one that I’m working on a variation that involves involuntary sex change surgery!

—–

Well that’s it for reality shows! I suppose all that’s left for me is to tell you about a show called “Bowel Movement”. Basically, it’s a show that involves a fixed position camera, a toilet and a series of guys with diets organized primarily around beer and extra spicy Mexican food. Perhaps it’s better if I don’t go into too much detail at this time.

And you know something I’m thinking? This one might actually belong on cable.

Well, that’s it folks! I’ve done all I can to develop a hit show but the creative process can take you so far. The rest is up to you. The public. And I’m counting on your good taste!

realitytv

Your life? It’s just a ride.


Is a there a point to all of this?

The world is like a ride in an amusement park, and when you choose to go on it you think it is real, because that is how powerful our minds are. The ride goes up and down, round and round, it has thrills and chills and it is very brightly colored and loud.

And it is fun! For a while.

Some people have been on the ride for a long time and they begin to question,

“Is this real or is this just a ride?”

And other people have remembered and they come back to us and say,

“Hey! Don’t worry, don’t be afraid. Ever. Because this is just a ride”

And we, sadly, kill those people.

“Shut him up! We have a lot invested in this ride! Shut him up! Look at my furrows of worry! Look at my big bank account! And my family! This just has to be real.”

It’s just a ride.

But we always kill those good guys who try to tell us that. You ever notice that? And we let the motherfuckers run amok. But it doesn’t matter because, yes,

It’s just a ride.

And we can change it anytime we want. It’s only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings and money. A choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put big locks on your door, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love, instead, see all of us as one.

Here’s what we can do to change the world right now to a better ride:

Take all that money we spend on weapons and defense each year and instead feeding, clothing and educating the poor of the world (teach them to question everything), which it would many times over, not one human being excluded and we can explore the universe together, both inner and outer, forever.

Using “utilize” when you should be utilizing “use”


I object to the use of “usage” when it’s used in place of “use”. There’s nothing wrong with using “use”. It’s been in use for a long time and I’m used to it. It isn’t that “usage” isn’t useful, I simply have no use for its current usage. The use of “usage” should be consistent with good usage. I prefer to say “My use of the internet” rather than “My usage”. If I meant it collectively, I might say “The Philippine usage of the internet” but, so far, I haven’t meant that.

And as I’m using space on “usage”, I’ll use some more on “utilize”. Using “utilize” instead of utilizing “use” is one of those attempts to make things sound more important than they really are. Sports announcers and commentators do that all the time. They imply big words incorrectly.

“He’s not utilizing all his skills!”

They don’t understand that an athlete does not “utilize” his skills. He “uses” them. The coach “utilizes” his players while the players “use” their skills.

Don’t use “utilize” when you should be utilizing “use”.

Another sports announcing crime is the use of the word “differential” when they mean “difference”. For example,

“There was a 12-point differential at half-time.”

No. Sorry. It was a 12-point “difference” at half-time. Differential is a mechanical or a mathematical term, and by mathematical I don’t mean San Antonio Spurs 55, Indiana Pacers 43. “Difference” and “differential” are different.

Go Spurs Go!

It also annoys me that people sometimes claim to see a “linkage” when they actually see a “link”. I think “link” is fine. “Linkage” reminds me of a car’s transmission. In fact, my car’s linkage is located somewhere near the differential.

“Stoppage” is another troublesome word. The most frequently heard euphemism for a labor strike is “work stoppage”. Apparently, labor strike sounded too Marxist for the locals. “Stoppage” sounds like an obstructed bowel and stoppage is much too close to sewage for my comfort.

“Usage”, “linkage”, and “stoppage” remind me of “outage”. “Outage” sounds like something is done when a gay person’s identity is revealed. But actually, its most frequent use inscribing a loss of electricity. A “power outage”. We used to say “power failure” but I guess my countrymen do not want to admit failure, even when it manifests.

Regardless, we ought to find better way to answer the question “What happened to the lights?”

By the way, I recently heard the following sentence in a local news report:

“Because of the tropical storm, about a thousand families are without power.”

And I thought, “Gee, when you think about it, about 93 million people in The Philippines are without power. They just aren’t aware of it.”

Rape. What you can and cannot talk about… Plus a bit about Eskimos.


A lot of people in this country want to tell you what you can and cannot talk about. Sometimes they will you can talk about something but you can not joke about it, like Manny Pacquiao’s latest loss to  Juan Manuel Marquez, catastrophes or crimes like rape.

They’ll say “Rape is not funny!”, I say “Fuck you, I think it’s hilarious. How you like that?”. I can prove rape is funny. Picture Porky Pig raping Daisy Duck. See? Hey, why do you think they call him “porky”? I know what men are going to say. “Daisy was asking for it! She was coming on to Porky. She had tight feathers on. Porky got horny and he lost control!”.

A lot of men talk like that. They blame it on the woman, you know. They will always say “She had it coming! She was wearing a short skit.”. Does not seem fair to me. Does not seem right. But I believe you can joke about it!

I believe you can joke about anything. Just depends on how you construct a joke and what the exaggeration is. Every joke needs one exaggeration. Every joke needs one thing way out of proportion.

For example, have you ever seen a news story like this: “Some burglar broke into a house, stole some things and while he is in there, he raped an 81 year old woman.” and you think to yourself: “WHY?! What the fuck kind of social life this guy have? I wanna ask him why did he do that!” but I know what I will hear:

“Hey! She was coming on to me! She had a tight bathrobe on!” and I’m thinking…

“Next time, be a little more selective, will ya?”

Now, speaking of rape, but changing the topic slightly .. You know what I wonder? I wonder if there is more rape around the Northern Hemisphere or near the Equator. Per capita. I know the populations are different. I think it’s the Northern Hemisphere. Most people will think it’s the Equator because it is hot down here and people don’t wear a lot of clothing, guys can see women’s tits and they get horny and there’s a lot of raping and fucking in general.

But that’s exactly there’s less rape near the Equator. Because there is a lot of fucking in general! You can tell the countries and territories near the Equator has a lot of fucking. Look at the population figures! Billions of people live near the equator!

Near the North Pole, how many Eskimos we got? No one is getting laid there! It’s too cold!

An Eskimo says to his wife “Hey honey, how about some pussy?”, she says “Wally, are you crazy? It’s 150 below!”. Eskimo guys are deprived, they’re horny and every now and then, they got to rape somebody.

Now, the biggest problem an Eskimo rapist has is trying to get wet leather leggings off a woman who doesn’t want to take them off. Have you ever tried to pull leather off someone who is trying to kick you in your nuts? Takes a lot of effort, and in the process you’d lose your hard-on. In fact, at the North Pole, your dick will shrivel up like a stack of dimes. That’s another thing I wonder…

Does a rapist have a hard-on when he leaves the house in the morning? Or does it develop during the day while he is walking around and checking out a girl?

Just wondering.