Religious athletes!


I don’t care for athletes who point to the sky after they have accomplished something on the field or court. Especially the ones who kneel down, bow their heads and make a big show of being believers.

You know something? God does not like that shit. He is not impressed with spiritual grandstanding. It surely embarrasses him. When athletes kneel down to him, he is probably saying

“Get up, you phony show-off bullshit  athlete! Pay attention to the fucking game! I took the points!”

Imagine the conceit of these people who think God is helping them and looking for his for their acknowledgment. I say play now, pray later. It’s better if they don’t pray at all. Sheesh.

tebowing

Incorporating Christianity with North Korea.


You can be an atheist and wish there was a God. Many atheists I know do wish it was true. Why do I not?

Because I don’t want to live in a celestial North Korea.

When I was young, I was told what it feels to be in Paradise. You get to praise God all the time. Forever… And continually thanking him for everything he is doing for you, sometimes with the aid of musical instruments.

But that’s the thing. That’s what Paradise is all about. Sounds like Hell to me.

I also wondered, what would it be like?  I could not quite picture it. An attempt has been made on Bedazzled, the first version. Trying to convey how ghastly it would be. Well, now I know. I’ve seen and watched enough about states where there is worship from dawn until dusk, and thanking for everything you got, every tiny crumb… And that’s what you’ll get too. A tiny crumb. Nothing but thanks, nothing but praise.

Not everybody knows this but the late Kim Jong-il is not the absolute dictator of North Korea. He’s only the head of the party and of the North Korean army.

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The head of the state, the president is his (also late) father who has been dead for almost 2 decades. Kim Il-sung. He’s still the president. For life. You could call it necrocracy or thanatocracy.

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If you noticed, it’s one short of a trinity. Well, not now. We have Kim Jong-un.

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That’s what it would be like if this horrible, Bronze Age, Palestinian myth was true. Unending, eternal, unchallengeable, unchangeable slavery.

Who wants it to be true?

That’s my first question to myself. I’ll answer it later. LOL. Here’s my question to you:

Why would anyone want it to be true?

Stupid things about Mormonism


It’s interesting that everyone, with just the tiniest cursory knowledge of Scientology and its beliefs in Dianetics and the tenets of Dianetics married with the information about its author, this megalomaniac science fiction writer (L. Ron Hubbard), you can just know those two little tiny things about Scientology and go

“Wow! What a load of bullshit!”

Well, that’s Mormonism is. Same thing. It’s a religion invented by a liar. A convicted fraud that now can pass legislation in the states of U.S.A. far, far away from their headquarters that deny gay people their equal rights. They make sure that shit is taxed up double.

It’s so weird to me and tragic that you have to explain to somebody who is sitting outside the hospital, whose partner of 40 years is dying and they do not have the same visitation rights as the family that ostracized him for being gay, who hasn’t seen him in 40 years. They can go visit him as he die, but he can’t. He’ll be like “I don’t understand, how can this possibly be! This is unfair and unjust!” and they’ll be like

“Well, here’s the deal: Almost two centuries ago, a guy named Joseph smith, a convicted fraud, claims an angel named Moroni appeared before him and said that God had picked him out to find these golden plates that had been buried thousands of years ago just down the street from where he lived. He was to go dig up them up and translate them BUT NOBODY ELSE IS TO SEE THEM EVER, EVER. And then Joseph Smith dug up the plates and used his seer stone and he’s like ‘Wait a second, these are Egyptian hieroglyphics. How am I going to translate it?’ and Moroni gave him some ‘magic glasses’. So he donned the magic glasses, talked to his wife and his neighbor and dictated what eventually became the Book of Mormon which, oddly enough and coincidentally, has Masonic imagery and ideals because Joseph and his brother Hyrum were masons at that time, but the plates were from thousands of years ago.

“And then a bunch of people believed this and that’s why you can’t go visit your loved one. Sorry!”

Bummer.

The miracle of Jesus


I was at this Christian paraphernalia store the other day (I do not even know how I got there) and I saw this really cool poem, or just another literary form with poetic bits in it. It was a really nice sentiment and it’s called “Footprints”.

Yes. Footprints.

It’s kinda cool. It’s this wooden thing that’s lacquered. It has a picture of a guy walking along the beach and he’s talking to Jesus and he said

“Jesus, I’ve noticed that you’ve been there with me for all my life and there have been two sets of footprints when we were walking down by the beach, but I noticed that when I was going through my hardest times, my worst troubling trials and tribulations, there was only one set of footprints...What’s up with that?

And then I thought to myself, in a godly, Jesus-like voice “Well, my son, that is when I was helping one of the other 7,000,000,000 people on the planet. You selfish fuck!”

I think people give Jesus way too much credit  than he deserves. I do, and especially when people mention or talk about the Crucifixion. People always go like this:

“He died for your sins! He had nails in his fucking hands for you! FOR YOU!”

Whenever I hear that, I’m thinking to myself and keep asking myself some stuff. I go like

“Yeah, why wouldn’t he want to get crucified? That made him! You know? Why would he fight that? I mean he’s sitting pondering and going like ‘Let’s see… Uh… I could stay here where almost everybody hates me, I’m misunderstood, there’s no health care, there’s no dental care, everybody walks around with open sores, they’re syphilitic, they’re Protein deficient, I can’t eat one meal without getting sand in it. I could hang out here for a little longer… Or I can be martyred, go up to Heaven where all my pets are, apparently, and sit at My Father’s side in judgment of all mankind for the rest of eternity.

‘Hmm, I wonder… O! Okay guys! Go ahead! Crucify me! W-What do you mean you only got Three nails? Well do my feet like this! LET’S GO! Less time here, more time there! In Heaven.'”

But the coolest thing that Jesus ever did was when he was at a wedding and they ran out of wine and Jesus turned the water into wine. That’s cool! That’d be great. I mean, if you like wine. Otherwise, it would kinda suck.

You know… You, Jesus, the disciples and your family are travelling across the desert in the middle of the day, trying to quench your thirst and you take a sip and you’re like “Oh! Who did this? Was it Jesus? Yeah, well turn it back alright?! I got kids here, and it’s 38 degrees Centigrade, you know! Maybe we ought to get a buzz on right now!”

But what hassle for Jesus, though! That’s why he had so many followers, you know! They were severe alcoholics! They were willing to follow him and when they see a body of water they’ll say “Jesus! Look here! Pond! Pond, Jesus! Come on, do the-oh…”

What a bummer for him, you know. He’s up at night, writing on his diary or whatever he does. He’s in his tent and his people are partying over the next tent and he’s being hassled by those guys coming in his tent and saying “Hey! Jesus! Sorry to disturb, just uh… One thing: I’m hanging out with Matthew and Luke and uh… Well, we had done ran out of wine. So if you could get to it, on your own time there, just do your little dic dic-a-doo and uh… Fill that bad boy up and uh… So we can… And also one more thing! I don’t know if you can do this or not but uh… I’m just wondering, but I got this sage… But I don’t know… If you can! Alright.”

Fucking bananas!

Tragedy, Taxing Jesus, and the Perineum


When a great tragedy occurs and it’s being reported in the TV news, they get sad or cry and say things like “O it was terrible! It was tragic! But he’s in a better place now! He’s with Jesus!”

Then why are you crying?!

If he’s in this utopia why are you crying? He’s in the best place that you could think of! You should be happy! Did you cry and said it was terrible when you got a job promotion and a new car?!

—–

If you think death leads to eternal bliss, why are you wearing a seat belt?

I’m just saying if that’s what gets you through your day, I’m not going to take it away from you but it’s a vice just like any of my vices. They tax all the vices. They tax all the cigarettes, alcohol. Every time you get into a legalization conversation with your friends about drugs or prostitution they’ll go “You know if they just legalize drugs, we could tax ’em and wipe out the deficit”. If you’re going to tax it, tax all the vices including, yes, Jesus because the Catholic Church has more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in the way.

Gets you through your day, sure. Maybe a pack of cigarettes and a hooker will get me through my day. The only difference is I don’t show up on a Sunday morning banging on your door persuading you to accept a hand job from a skank in a short vinyl skirt. Leave me the fuck out of it.

—–

“I feel sorry for you because you don’t have Jesus in your life”

Well I feel sorry for you because you’re 45 years old and you still have a bogeyman under the bed.

—–

The separation at Church and State is called the Perineum, ladies and gentlemen, and the Episiotomy did not hold. It’s all jammed up together in one hole. I’m just saying I don’t like the laws and legislations and all the same shit that control your life that originated with the Church. All vice laws are Church laws, Nudity laws. Everyone around me is saying “You know over there in Afghanistan, the Taliban makes the women wear veils over their faces. It’s sexist and horrible!”. Well their faces are your tits!

Different body parts, same religious bullshit!

I wonder if they have facey bars over there in Afghanistan, you think if you have enough money you can in some cave you look under the girl’s veil?

My favorite thing about The Bible


My favorite thing about The Bible is how all the things that will take place in the future are already antiquated. How all the prophecies have been completely antiquated there since The Bible was written and then re-written and then edited and then re-edited and then translated from dead languages and then re-translated and then re-re-edited and then re-re-translated and then given to kings to take their favorite parts out and then re-edited and then re-translated and then re-re-edited and then re-re-translated and given to the Pope for him to approve and then re-re-translated and then re-re-written and then re-translated and re-edited again. All based on stories that were told orally 30 to 90 years after they happened to people who did not know how to write.

I guess what I’m saying is that The Bible is literally the world’s oldest game of whisper down the lane.