My Reality Shows! :)


I’ve decided to cash in on TV’s reality show trend! And I ave several ideas, but they may need a little work, you know, before I approach the networks. Here’s what I’m working on:

1.) This first idea grew out of Survivor but I have a new twist. You put 12 people on a barren island and you let them starve to death. You make sure they get NO FOOD  but you provide plenty of fresh drinking water. You don’t want them to die of thirst. You want them to starve to death. Now that would be entertaining enough but here’s fun part: You make sure that half of the contestants are large, aggressive, physically fit individuals and the other half are small, mild-mannered, and physically weak.

Then you wait them out and see who survives. What’s more than that is you watch HOW THEY SURVIVE! The show is called

GUESS WHO’S FOR DINNER?

The only part I haven’t decided on is to provide them with utensils.

—–

2.) Here’s another idea that I think has a pretty good shot at the networks…

MANIAC ON DRUGS!

Each week you put a different homicidal maniac in a van filled with assault rifles and ammunition and you provide him with huge amounts of speed, crack, acid and PCP. Then you just let him drive around a highly urbanized city for several days and you video tape everything he does. Naturally, you clear all this with the police so that they don’t interfere with the smooth flow of the show.

At the end of 13 weeks you take all maniacs, give them fresh supply of drugs, and turn them loose at amusement parks with rocket-propelled grenades. Actually, now that I think about it, this idea is too good for the networks. I gotta put it on pay-per-view.

Here’s a variation for the finale (in case the people at amusement parks get squeamish):

You give the maniacs the same drugs but instead of grenade launchers you go back to the assault rifles. Everything’s the same but this time you put them on an ordinary non-stop passenger train from New York to Los Angeles. You strap video cameras to their heads and you let them run loose on the train, allowing them to befriend the other passengers.

Remember! It’s NON-STOP! No one can get off! I guarantee you that there’ll be a lot of great footage. By the way, to save a little money, this could also be done on a Greyhound bus. But you need a really good driver so he won’t get easily distracted.

—–

3.) Here’s a show that I’m proudest of because it took the most thought I call it

LUCKY BACHELOR!

Our chosen guy is selected from letters sent into the show.

Step One: The lucky bachelor is sent out on 3 different occasions to pick up women in cheap bars and bring each of them to a hotel where he tries to fuck them. If they go along easily, he then convinces them to commit a perverted act involving a floor lamp, a woodpecker and a box of rubber  bands. An act most people would consider completely depraved. All these activities are video taped.

Step Two: We stop 3 men at random on the street and show them the videos and ask them which of the women the lucky bachelor should marry. That women is called  the designated bride. We then ask the 2 losing women to vote on which of the three random street guys look like the best fuck. That guy is called the designated best fuck street guy.

Step Three: We take the 2 losing street guys and the 2 losing bar girls and feed them near fatal dozes of aphrodisiac, put them in thong bathing suits, and turn them loose on an adult sex shop with unlimited credit. This footage, strictly an added feature, could possibly be some of the liveliest on the show.

Now the alert reader is probably wondering and saying “What happened to our original bachelor?” Well, in

Step Four: We arrange for him and the designated best fuck street guy to stage a bare knuckle street fight to the death in the center aisle of the St. Peter’s in Rome during a papal high mass. The 2 men must keep fighting until one of them dies. It’s important to the show! As a side feature, we keep a camera trained on the Pope and every time he falls asleep during the fight, we give the guys an extra $100. The reason on why it is important that one of them dies is because the next day, in the same church, we’re going to hold

Step Five: A combination of a wedding and a funeral! The loser of the fight gets the funeral. The winner gets to marry the designated hotel fuck bride, with the remaining losing bar and hotel participants serving as bridesmaids and pall-bearers. We then give the newly weds all the leftover drugs on Maniac On Drugs and send them on a honeymoon to some nice and conservative golfing resort where they’re required to take large amounts of drugs and 2 weeks of golf and tennis lesson.

—–

4.) This next one is my make-over show. My working title is

TRY LOOKING LIKE THAT FOR A CHANGE!

You start by picking 3 incredibly beautiful and successful supermodels. And then, against their will, you sedate them, strap them down, and subject them to extensive plastic surgery. You give them big misshapen noses, sagging eye bags and plenty of wrinkles and drooping skin on their faces. Then you pump enough fat into their asses, hips and thighs to make them really unhappy.

When they come out of the anesthesia, the audience yells “Try looking like that for a change!”

I’m so excited about this one that I’m working on a variation that involves involuntary sex change surgery!

—–

Well that’s it for reality shows! I suppose all that’s left for me is to tell you about a show called “Bowel Movement”. Basically, it’s a show that involves a fixed position camera, a toilet and a series of guys with diets organized primarily around beer and extra spicy Mexican food. Perhaps it’s better if I don’t go into too much detail at this time.

And you know something I’m thinking? This one might actually belong on cable.

Well, that’s it folks! I’ve done all I can to develop a hit show but the creative process can take you so far. The rest is up to you. The public. And I’m counting on your good taste!

realitytv

Advertisements

Prozac, Zoloft and your brain


I have a brain that just won’t shut the fuck up. Do you have a brain that just won’t shut the fuck up all the time?

You learn to work with it.

No I’m not going to take fucking medication for it! That’s one of the things where ideas come from!  I’ll try to pour out a bit of alcohol and then what happens? You try to even things out. Everyone’s trying to take pills because they are afraid of standing out!

I was terrified when my doctor told me I have a unique and interesting personality trait. Then he told me about Zoloft! About Prozac! He told me to take three pills a day so that I could blend in to this horrible, inbred, corporate landscape and I won’t care.

Dummy drugs are still popular, no? Mood stabilizers, antidepressants, etc.

They will legalize any drug so long as that drug keeps you producing. That’s all they give a shit about. Production. You kicking out enough boxes off the plant? Well, then go. Whatever keeps you doing that. Keeps you vaguely content sitting in a cubicle. Go ahead. Food and Drug Administration approved! So long as you do not notice that your empty life is being pissed away underneath fluorescent tubes. So long as you don’t have highs or lows, no good stories to tell, BUT YOU GET A LOT OF STUFF DONE! I’m probably the most boring person I know but look at me produce! I just go A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, la-la-la-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la-la-la.

Boring.

Tragedy, Taxing Jesus, and the Perineum


When a great tragedy occurs and it’s being reported in the TV news, they get sad or cry and say things like “O it was terrible! It was tragic! But he’s in a better place now! He’s with Jesus!”

Then why are you crying?!

If he’s in this utopia why are you crying? He’s in the best place that you could think of! You should be happy! Did you cry and said it was terrible when you got a job promotion and a new car?!

—–

If you think death leads to eternal bliss, why are you wearing a seat belt?

I’m just saying if that’s what gets you through your day, I’m not going to take it away from you but it’s a vice just like any of my vices. They tax all the vices. They tax all the cigarettes, alcohol. Every time you get into a legalization conversation with your friends about drugs or prostitution they’ll go “You know if they just legalize drugs, we could tax ’em and wipe out the deficit”. If you’re going to tax it, tax all the vices including, yes, Jesus because the Catholic Church has more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in the way.

Gets you through your day, sure. Maybe a pack of cigarettes and a hooker will get me through my day. The only difference is I don’t show up on a Sunday morning banging on your door persuading you to accept a hand job from a skank in a short vinyl skirt. Leave me the fuck out of it.

—–

“I feel sorry for you because you don’t have Jesus in your life”

Well I feel sorry for you because you’re 45 years old and you still have a bogeyman under the bed.

—–

The separation at Church and State is called the Perineum, ladies and gentlemen, and the Episiotomy did not hold. It’s all jammed up together in one hole. I’m just saying I don’t like the laws and legislations and all the same shit that control your life that originated with the Church. All vice laws are Church laws, Nudity laws. Everyone around me is saying “You know over there in Afghanistan, the Taliban makes the women wear veils over their faces. It’s sexist and horrible!”. Well their faces are your tits!

Different body parts, same religious bullshit!

I wonder if they have facey bars over there in Afghanistan, you think if you have enough money you can in some cave you look under the girl’s veil?

I like people! :)


I like people. I do.

I like people but I like them in short bursts. I don’t like people for extended periods of time. I’m alright with them for a little while but, except when I’m drinking alcohol, once you get up past twenty or twenty-five minutes-and-a-half, I got to get the fuck out of there.

My reason for this is I have a very low tolerance for stupid bullshit and everyone wants to tell you their stupid bullshit. A lot of them don’t know when to stop talking. Do you ever run into those guys? Doesn’t know when to stop talking. They just continue, their mouths running like verbal diarrhea. They don’t know when the conversation’s over. Trite, stupid shit, things you’re not even remotely interested in.

While the stupid motherfucker is still telling his stupid story, you’re searching in your mind  for something diplomatic and tactical and graceful that you can say to help end the conversation.

All that you ever came up with was

Blow it out your ass! or

Shut the fuck up!

But you can’t say that. Good manners do not permit you to. You’ll have to find another way and I go to body language. I find myself leaning on a 45-degree angle, trying to indicate the direction that I’d like to go so this person would just shut the fuck up. I might even give him a verbal cue. “Surgery! I’m late for surgery! I’m having my ears sewn shut!”.

Same people on the phone. Don’t know when to hang up, don’t know when the conversation’s over. Dumb and trivial shit, dumb and trivial questions. Once again, you’re searching in your mind for something diplomatic to say to help end the conversation but “Shut the fuck up!” still comes to mind, or “Shut your fucking piehole!”, or if he prefers cake “Shut your fucking cakehole!” might be good. But still, you can’t say those things and you can’t use body language on the phone.

Well, you can always amuse yourself you know. LOL. But that doesn’t move the conversation along. You have to find another trick and I go to toning my voice. Talk to them to a soft landing. Words such as “right”, “good”, “okay”, “alright then” may work.

If all else fails, just say “Shut the fuck up!” to them five or ten times then you hang up.

People nowadays do not understand what a phone call should be or what a phone call is. Ideally a phone call is the brief exchange of a few vital pieces of information. This is an example of phone call:

“Hey _____ when are we going to the mass?”, “Okay. I’ll be a bit late. You’ll have to go there without me.”, “Bye.”

That’s a phone call. It should not be a two-and-a-half hour story of your third cousin describing her mailman’s liposuction!

How Alcohol and Drugs work


It all comes down to this:

They’re wonderful when you try them first. They’re not around for all these millennia for no reason.

First few times is mostly pleasure and very little pain. Maybe a hangover. As you increase and keep using whatever it is the pleasure part decreases and the pain part, the price you pay, increases until the balance is completely the other way and it’s almost all pain and there’s hardly any pleasure.

At that point you would hope the intellect says “O this doesn’t work anymore! I’m going to die and I have to do something” but you need people around you who can help you and you need something to live for and you have something to look forward to. Why? To bring you out of it. A lot of people don’t have a lot to live for and they’re sort of stuck inside (Like one of my cousins. LOL).

But fuck it. Where do you think my creativity comes from?

Like it or not, Marijuana changes values. A stick of joint opens another window or door of perception for me. I see things differently. It shows me different kinds of vistas and it broadens them. But the thing is you have to control your usage. I always have a joint somewhere near me. When I want to write something (Except for that time when I was writing my 15 Days of No Smoking article) I puff a joint. A few hits, just a few hits (may three or four) and it’s punch-up time! Time to get some things going!

With that judicious use there’s some value in it but most of the things that other people use don’t want to leave them alone. They don’t. Pot does and thank goodness for that.

Expressions and Impressions


We have a lot of expressions in the English language that we use all or most of the time and we never seem to examine them very closely. We just say  them as if they really made sense.

Legally Drunk. If it’s legal then what’s the problem? Leave the guy alone because he’s legally drunk!

You know where you can stick it. Why do we always assume everyone knows where they can stick it? Suppose you don’t know, suppose you’re a new guy! You absolutely have no idea where to stick it.

Selling like hotcakes. Is this the fastest-selling item we can think of for this figure of speech? Hotcakes? Seriously? Beer! Cigarettes! Coffee! Even eggs! You go to an average place where people go and have their breakfast and you’ll find that a lot of people are ordering eggs than people who are ordering hotcakes. But it doesn’t sound right, does it? “Justin Bieber’s new album is selling like eggs”. People won’t say that. Doesn’t have the right ring to it.

Undisputed Heavyweight Champion. Well if it’s undisputed what’s all the fighting about?

That’s the last draw. That one doesn’t seem to be fair to me. I think you have to warn the guy first. “That’s the next to the last draw!”. Let him/her know that he’s running out of draws.

Down the pike. “He’s the most meanest to come down the pike”. Fine. What about guys who come up the pike? “Not everybody lives north of the pike”. Some guys come up the pike and they’re really mean and nobody mentions them at all. What about the guy who doesn’t even use the pike?

Down the tubes. You’ve heard that a lot, especially during the 90s. “Boy the country is really going the down the tubes”. WHAT TUBES? Have you seen any tubes? Where are these tubes and where do they go? How come there’s more than one tube? Does every province all of a sudden have its own tube now? One tube is all you need. But a tube that big, somebody should have seen it by now! Somebody would have said “Hey Paolo! Look at the tube!”. You never hear that, you know why? No tubes.

Takes the cake. “Boy he really takes the cake”. Where? Where do you take a cake, to the movies? You know where I would take a cake? Down to the bakery to see the other cakes. How come he takes the cake? How come he doesn’t take the pie? Pies are easier to carry than the cake. EASY AS PIE! But cake isn’t too hard to carry either. PIECE OF CAKE.

Out in the streets. You hear this when a criminal gets a parole in the prison. “Now instead of being in prison this guy is out walking in the streets!”. How do we know? Maybe he’s at home watching TV. Not every guy who gets a parole is out walking in the streets! Sometimes he’ll take a bus. Occasionally they’ll steal a car! We ought to be glad. Good thing he stole a car. At least he’s not out there walking in the streets!

Fine and dandy. That’s an old-fashioned one. “How are you?!”, “Fine and dandy!”. I never say that, you know why? I’m never both of those things at the same time. Sometimes I’m fine but not dandy. Close to dandy. Approaching dandy. In the vicinity of dandihood. Not quite dandy. Other times, indeed, I am dandy but not fine. There was about one time, February 2006, that I was fine and dandy but nobody asked how I was!

The riot act. Have you ever heard of that? I got tired of hearing that, especially coming from my mother. “You wait until your father comes home he’s going to read you the riot act!”, “Tell him I’ve read it myself! I didn’t like it either! I consider it wordy and poorly thought out!”. If they want to read me something, HOW ABOUT THE KAMA SUTRA?

More than happy. I’ll bet you’ll say that one. You’ll say “I’d be more than happy to do that!”. How can you be more than happy? To me it sounds like a dangerous mental condition!

In your own words. People say that to you all the time. “Tell us in your own words!”. Do I have my own words? I’M USING THE ONES THAT EVERYONE IS USING! Next time they tell you to say something in your own words say “BLA BLA BLA YADDA YADDA YADDA!”.

To those people who don’t drink


I love drinking …

…And I hate people who don’t drink. I’ve never met an interesting person in my life who doesn’t drink. If you don’t drink you’re a boring cunt & all your stories suck.

No one gives a shit if you have been promoted at work & no one gives a fuck if you are as pristine as fuck.

Have you ever asked a non-drinker why they don’t drink? Same answer everytime. You’ll go “Why don’t you drink?” and they go “I don’t like the taste of it.”

NOBODY DOES!!!

No one likes the taste of it! We drink because we have to! No one has ever had a shot of tequila and said “Oh that’s lovely! Next time I’ll have that instead of coffee!”. We drink because life is shit & you gotta do whatever you can to get through the fuckin’ day.

I’ve decided that I’m going to punch people in the head if they say this exact sentence & I encourage you to do the same because they think they’re better than you. Anyone who says this sentence,

“I don’t need to drink or smoke to have a good time. I’m higher life.”

Or any sentence that’s close to this shit, punch the motherfucker in the head until your hand breaks.

Cheers!