Answering Machines!


Answering machines.

I know that not a lot of people here in our country do not own answering machines, but when they do own one, they are the people who think it is cute to let their children record the outgoing message. You know? Ugh. You can’t understand almost a single word out of it because the kid is an imbecile!

“Hi! My name is Stacy, I’m Five years old! My mommy and daddy aren’t home because blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah-*beep*”

My answer? Well,

“Here’s my message  Stacy: I’m  coming over to your house with a big knife, and I’m going to kill mommy and daddy, I’m going to peel off their skin and make a funny hat, after that I’m going to take my huge ding-dong and stick it right into your-*beep*”

Overpopulation in The Philippines.


Sometimes the Filipino news is like a tired old whore that only tells you what you want to hear. You watch stories everyday about the environment and some bits on global warming and they give you some tips you can do to help Mother Earth when the major problem is obviously overpopulation. That never comes up ever. In the US, Al Gore has to be pressed on the issue to admit that it is a problem. People say that it’s a passing fad, this desire to procreate.

The news knows you don’t want to hear that. The news has no problem telling you how to save the Earth by cutting up your six-pack holders before you throw ’em away so you don’t strangle a dolphin when all that shit gets flushed into the sea. They also have no problem telling you to turn off the water while you brush your teeth. Of course you will do that. But they can’t say (or rephrase this) “Don’t fuck in the front hole because that is the real problem behind this”. Nobody wants to hear “Don’t fuck in the front hole after a hard day of work”.

An Oregon State study came out years ago show that a woman who already recycles at her optimum will still increase her carbon footprint 40 times by just having 2 children. The next time you see a hybrid car with a baby seat in the back, smash the windows outta that car Fight Club style, steal the baby seat, leave a condom where the baby seat was placed and see if you send a message because that is every sanctimonious douchebag who pretends to be part of the solution when they are the exact opposite of the problem that they are pretending to fight against. Your combined uteri wreak more havoc to the environment than a thousand chemical corporation accidents combined.

The Philippines has an area of 299,764 square kilometers but has a population of 94,852,030. Disgusting, ain’t it? If you want to help Mother Earth, try Sodomy. Sodomy is eco-friendly and Abortion is green.

Cheers.

Children II


Boys are hard to raise, man. All my cousins have boys and I just feel for them because it’s really hard. But girls are just as hard to raise but on a whole other level. They’re just different. Here’s the difference between boys and girls:

Boys fuck things up. Girls are fucked up.

Boys just do damage to your house that you can measure in currencies, like a typhoon. Girls leave scars in your psyche that you find later, like a genocide or an atrocity.

One of my cousins came over once with her little boy who was four years at that time. She comes over and she’s been with him all day so she’s in bad shape. She’s got a drink and she says

“I can’t… I just can’t.. I just can’t do it anymore.”

So I tried pulled out a blanket and wrapped it around her to try to calm her down. Then her little boy walks up to her and he’s got a handful of sand. Sand. We don’t even have sand on our home and he’s got a handful of it. She walks up to his mom and just throws the sand right into her drink! It’s all she had and he just ruined it. Really confident on his part, though. It’s like “Yeah, that’s where that shit goes. Right there!”

I was blown away by this because girls would never dream of doing that. It would not even occur to their minds that a person could do that. But their fucked up!

Like that time when we are at one of my cousin’s house. My cousin has two little girls, one’s a five-year old and the others a three-year old. They were playing near me and the younger one broke her sister’s toy. The five-year old, knowing that I was near, came to me and demanded that I break her sister’s toy in return to make it fair…

…And I did.

That’s how much shit she gave me. I broke a little girl’s toy and I felt awful. I looked the older sister and she’s got a big and creepy smile on her face! What the fuck?

That’s the difference between boys and girls. It’s also the same for men and women, really. A man will steal your car or burn your house down or beat the shit out of you but a woman will ruin your fucking life. Do you see the difference? A man will cut your arm off and throw it into the river but he’ll leave you as a human being intact. He won’t fuck with who you are. Women are non-violent but they will shit inside your heart.

Hatred II: The shitty kid at the grocery store.


I like some kids. You can’t like all kids because some… No, most of the kids are shitty. It’s true. Some people do not want to ever admit that. They just go and say “Every child is like a star in the shining sea!”.

No. Most kids suck, man! Most kids are just flat-out shitty! It’s true and you see them all the time. Like when you fall in line in a grocery store and you see a kid and you formulate this thought:

“Fuck that kid, man. That kid looks and acts like a fucking jerk. I hate that kid! Shitty little kid!”

A while ago I saw a kid like that when I was actually falling in line inside a grocery store a while ago. I looked at this kid who is a with her mother that’s two people ahead of me in the line. He’s staring at me and I thought,

“I fucking hate this kid.”

I’m waiting in line! What am I going to do except to fall in line and wait? That’s what you do when you’re waiting in line, isn’t it? You pick someone to hate while you are waiting.

So I picked this kid because he was shitty and he’s staring at me and he keeps saying “Nyeeeh! Nyeeeh!” so I assume that he’s a real shitty kid. I’m looking at him and he’s looking at me. The worst thing is that this is a true story. He’s like six years old or something and he’s looking at me, and nobody else was looking so I gave him this:

I just flipped him off. Just real quick! A little thing between me and him and he could not believe it! He was like

He was blown away because nobody does that. Nobody gives the finger to the kid for no reason. I think I helped him out a little there, you know. Yeah. That happens. Deal with it.

Fuck you, buddy! 🙂

Rules and Verbal Clichés of our parents


One of the things that kids have to put up with is rules. They’re not as bad as laws because they are not written down and they don’t throw you to the slammer when you break one of them.

I was never good at following rules as much as I am good at breaking them. I just thought most of them did not make any sense and awfully dumb so, fuck yeah, I break them. Some of them were good, no question about that, and most of them are really dumb.

No running while holding scissors.  That’s one rule I never disobeyed. Made sense to me. When I was a kid there was a “no singing at the dining table during dinner” rule. Shit, what the fuck? Why is singing not allowed during that time? One guy with a bad voice screwed it up for everybody else? I kept asking why and they kept answering the same answer, which is

Because I said so!

Now that is a sign of a dumb rule. You could scream your head off the table. That wasn’t mentioned in the rule. You could stand near the table all day long and sing your head off! That also wasn’t mentioned in the rule.

Another form or torture that kids have to put up with are verbal clichés. Lazy language on their parent’s part. Saying the same thing the same all the time. Something they tell to their children about 1,800 times a day. No sense in trying to involve your imagination. They’ll say it over and over

“Get down off there or you’ll break your neck! Get down there or I’ll break your neck if I see you up there again! And pick up these toys! I nearly broke my neck walking into here!”

That was the only injury that I ever heard of. It’s the only injury they ever mentioned., and the worst one! Breaking your neck. They never mention anything like

“Get down there! You’ll sprain you ankle!”

O wait, there’s another injury that accompanied “breaking your neck”. It’s a delightful little thing and it’s “Pulling someone’s eye off”.

“Put that stick away! Put that stick down! You’re going to pull someone’s eye out!”

We, when we were kids, have answers to those clichés but we never get to deliver most of them. We had answers for every cliché they had, didn’t matter what it was.

—–

Mom: “Don’t you understand English?”

Me: “Not fully. No.”

Mom: “How many times do we have to tell you?”

Me: “About six?”

*Mom slaps my forehead*

Me: “I thought you were looking for information?!”

Mom: “Don’t talk back to me!”

Me: “Huh? You’re teaching me a language aren’t you? We have to stop practicing all of a sudden?”

Mom: “You just wait until your father gets home!”

Me: “O great! That dude never gets home! Thanks, Ma!”

Then they’ll tell you to go to their room as though it will be a negative experience! Why did they give me the room in the first place if it’s such a bad spot?

Mom: “Go to your room!”

Me: “Hey that is where all my stuff is! Yay!”

The disease that all men have


This is the male disease. It’s called

Being Full of Shit

The male disease includes the need to be in charge at all times. In charge, in control and in command. A real man sees himself as king of the hill, leader of the pack and captain of the ship. All the while, in order to fit in and belong, he has to act like all the other men and do what they do so that they’ll be accepted, get a good job and a promotion and a wife. A wife who will be immediately get traded for a Porsche.

The poor fucks. The poor, stupid fucks.

His manliness also requires that he refuse to go to a doctor or a hospital unless it can be demonstrated to him that he has in fact been clinically dead for six months. Therefore, he must learn to ignore pain.

Most men learn this stupid shit from their fathers. Fathers teach the sons not to cry. Great stuff, huh? All the problems in the world can be traced to a father’s due to their sons. Little boys learn to hide their feelings. Society likes that so that when they get to be eighteen years of age they’ll go overseas and kill strangers without feeling anything. That part includes a certain willingness to have the balls shot off.

The poor fucks. The poor, stupid fucks.

So as a result of all these hiding of feelings, the average man’s emotional expression is the High-Five or, sometimes when deep feelings emerge, the High-Ten. This is raw emotion. That’s about they’re capable of and we have our dads to thank.

Thanks dad!

But wait! Don’t think dads can’t be fun at times too. After all, dads introduced their sons to the wonderful world of men. The really masculine, he-man stuff. No wimps, no pussies, no softies. You know what it is?

The male subcultures!

(Click on the link. Duh!)