15 Rules To Live By


I’m going to give you fifteen rules to live by because life is not as difficult as people think. All you need is a good set of rules.

1.) Relax and take it easy.

Don’t get caught up in hollow conceits such as “doing something with your life”.  Such twaddle is outmoded and a sure formula for disappointment.

2.) Whatever it is you pursue, try to do it just well enough to remain in the middle third of the field.

Keep your thoughts and ideas to yourself and don’t ask questions.

Remember: The squeaky wheel is always the first one to be replaced.

3.) Size people up quickly and develop rigid attitudes based on your first impression.

If you try to delve deeper and get to know people you’re asking for trouble.

4.) Don’t fall for that superstitious nonsense about treating people the way you would like to be treated.

It’s a transparently narcissistic approach and maybe the sign of a weak mind.

5.) Spend as much time as you can pleasing and impressing others, even if it makes you unhappy.

Pay special attention to shallow manipulators who can do you the most harm.

Remember: In the overall scheme, you count for very little.

6.) Surround yourself with inferiors and losers.

Not only will you look good by comparison but they will look up to you and that will make you feel better.

7.) Don’t buy into the sentimental notion that everyone has shortcomings.

It’s the surest way of undermining yourself.

Remember: The really best people have no defects. If you’re not perfect something is wrong.

8.) If by some off chance you do detect a few faults in yourself, here’s what you have to do:

First, accept the fact that you are deeply flawed, then make a list of your faults and dwell on them. Carry the list around and try to think of things to add. Blame yourself for everything.

9.) Beware of intuition and gut instincts.

They are completely unreliable. Instead, develop pre-conceived notions and don’t waver unless someone tells you to, then change your mind and adopt their point of view. But only if they seem to know what they’re talking about.

10.) Never give up on an idea simply because it is bad and doesn’t work.

Cling to it! Even when it is hopeless! Anyone can cut and run but it takes a very special person to stay with something that is stupid and harmful.

11.) Always remember that today doesn’t count.

Trying to make something out of today only robs you of precious time that could be spent daydreaming or resting up.

12.) Try to dwell on the past.

Think of all the mistakes you’ve made and how much better it would be if you hadn’t made them. Think of what you should’ve done and blame yourself for not doing so. Don’t go easy, be really hard on yourself!

13.) If by chance you made a fresh mistake, especially a costly one try to repeat it a few times so you would become familiar with it and can do it easily in the future.

Write it down, put it with your list of your faults.

14.) Beware also of the dangerous trap of looking ahead.

It only gets you in trouble. Instead, try to drift along from day to day in a meandering fashion. Don’t get sidetracked with some foolish plan.

15.) And finally, enjoy yourself all the time and do whatever you want.

Don’t be seduced by that mindless chatter of going around about responsibility. That’s exactly the sort of thing that will ruin your life.

Indiviuality II: Groups, Unions, Associations


I don’t like ass kissers, flag wavers or team players. I like people who buck the system. Individualists!

I often warn kids by saying “Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you that there is no ‘I’ in ‘team’.” What you should tell them is “Maybe not, but there is an ‘I’ in ‘independence’, ‘individuality’, and ‘integrity’.”

Avoid teams at all costs. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name. If they say “Hi! We’re the so-and-so’s!”, take a walk! And if somehow you must join and it’s unavoidable, like a union or trade association, go ahead and join but don’t participate! It will be your death.

If they tell you you’re not a team player just congratulate them on being so observant!

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Your life? It’s just a ride.


Is a there a point to all of this?

The world is like a ride in an amusement park, and when you choose to go on it you think it is real, because that is how powerful our minds are. The ride goes up and down, round and round, it has thrills and chills and it is very brightly colored and loud.

And it is fun! For a while.

Some people have been on the ride for a long time and they begin to question,

“Is this real or is this just a ride?”

And other people have remembered and they come back to us and say,

“Hey! Don’t worry, don’t be afraid. Ever. Because this is just a ride”

And we, sadly, kill those people.

“Shut him up! We have a lot invested in this ride! Shut him up! Look at my furrows of worry! Look at my big bank account! And my family! This just has to be real.”

It’s just a ride.

But we always kill those good guys who try to tell us that. You ever notice that? And we let the motherfuckers run amok. But it doesn’t matter because, yes,

It’s just a ride.

And we can change it anytime we want. It’s only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings and money. A choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put big locks on your door, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love, instead, see all of us as one.

Here’s what we can do to change the world right now to a better ride:

Take all that money we spend on weapons and defense each year and instead feeding, clothing and educating the poor of the world (teach them to question everything), which it would many times over, not one human being excluded and we can explore the universe together, both inner and outer, forever.

Jesus, Prince of Peace. The Interview.


Ladies and gentlemen, we’re privileged to have with us a man known all over  the world as the Prince of Peace, Jesus Christ! How are you, Jesus?

JC: Fine. Thanks, and let me say it’s great to be back.

Can you tell us after all these time why you came back?

JC: Mostly nostalgia.

Could you tell us Jesus a little bit about the first time you where here?

JC: Well, there’s not much to tell. I think everybody knows the story by now. I was born on Christmas and uh, actually that always bothered me because that way I only got one present. You know if I was born a couple of months early I would have had two presents. But look, I’m not complaining. It’s only material.

Were you really born in a stable?

JC: Nah. I was born on a hospital. Bethlehem Jewish Hospital, but the hospital was located in a stable. That’s how the story got started.

And is it true that there was no room at the inn?

JC: Oh no, they had room. We just did not have reservations. My father Joseph, God bless him, he was a simple man. He did not travel much so he forgot to make reservations.

There’s a story that three wise men…

JC: Well there were three kings that showed up. I don’t know how wise they were. They did not look wise. They said they followed a star. That doesn’t sound wise to me.

Didn’t they bring gifts?

JC: Yes. Uh… God, frankincense and, I believe, myrrh. Which I never did find out what that was. You do not happen to know what myrrh was, did you?

Uh, well, I believe it is a reddish-brown, bitter gum resin.

JC: Oh great! Great! Just what I need! A gum resin. What am I going to do with a gum resin? I’d rather have the money. That way I can go out and buy something I need. You know, something I would not normally buy for myself.

What would that be?

JC: I do not know. Maybe a bathing suit? I never had a bathing suit. Maybe a Devo hat or a bicycle. I really could have used a bicycle. You realize the walking I did? I must have Canaan six or eight times, up and down, North and South, walking and talking, doing miracles, telling stories.

Tell us about the miracles. How many miracles did you perform?

JC: A grand total of 107 miracles, not counting the loaves and fishes.

Why don’t you count the loaves and the fishes?

JC: Well, technically that one was not a miracle.

It was not?

JC: It turned out a lot of people were putting them back. Did not like them. Actually not all of those miracles were pure miracles, anyway.

What do you mean? What were they if they weren’t miracles?

JC: Some of them were parlor tricks, optical illusions, mass hypnosis, hallucinations, and acupressure. That’s how I cured most of the blind guys. Acupressure.

So not all of the New Testament is true?

JC: No. Some of that Gospel stuff never happened at all. It was just made up. Luke and Mark used a lot of drugs. See, Luke was really a physician and he had access to drugs. Matthew and John were okay, but Luke and Mark would write anything.

What about raising Lazarus from the dead?

JC: First of all, he was not dead. He was hung over. That’s all.

But in The Bible, you said he was dead.

JC: I said he LOOKED dead. I said ‘Hey, he looks dead!’. You see Lazarus was a very heavy sleeper, plus the day before, we’ve been to a wedding feast and poured away a lot of wine.

Was that the wedding feast at Canaan where you changed the water into wine?

JC: I do not know. We went to an awful lot of wedding feasts.

But did you really turned water into wine?

JC: Not that I know of. One time I did turn apple juice into milk but I really don’t recall the water-into-wine thing.

Alright. Speaking of water, let me ask you about another miracle. What about walking on the water? I mean, did that really happened?

JC: Oh yeah. That was one that really happened. You see the problem was I can do it but the other guys could not do it! They were jealous. Peter got mad at me so he got these special big shoes that if you start out walking real fast you can float on the water for a little while. That of course, after a few yards down he goes into the water and sank like a rock. That’s why I called him and said ‘Thou art Peter, and upon this rock I shall build my church’.

Well that brings up the apostles! What can you tell us about the apostles?

JC:  Well they were a good bunch of guys. You know, they smelled like bait but they were a good bunch of guys. Fourteen of them, we had.

Fourteen? The Bible says there were only twelve.

JC: Well, that was according to Luke. I told you about Luke. Actually, we had fourteen apostles. We have Peter, James, John, Andrew, Philip, Bartholomew, Matthew, Thomas, the other James, Thaddaeus… Let’s see, how many is that?

That’s ten.

JC: Okay, uh… Simon, Judas, Matthias, who replaced that bastard Judas, and Red.

Red?

JC: Yeah. We called him ‘Red the apostle’.

Red the apostle? He doesn’t appear on The Bible.

JC: That’s because he kept pretty much to himself. He never came to any miracles. He was a little strange. He even thought that the Red Sea was named after him.

What about Judas?

JC: Hey, don’t get me started on Judas.

Okay, well, what about the other apostles? For instance, Thomas. Was he really a doubter?

JC: This guy, Thomas, you could not tell him nothing, you know. He’s always asking me for my ID. As soon as I see him, he’ll go ‘Got any ID?’. To this day, he does not believe I am God.

Are you God?

JC: Well, partly. You know that. I am a member of The Trinity.

Yes. In fact, you’ve written a book about The Trinity, haven’t you?

JC: That’s right. It’s called ‘Three is a crowd’.

As I understand, it’s nothing more than a thinly veiled attack on The Holy Ghost.

JC: Listen, it is not an attack. You want to know what it is? I do not get along with the Holy Ghost. Right? So I leave him alone. That’s it. What he does, it’s his business.

Well why? What is the reason?

JC: Well first of all, you never know what he is going to be. Everyday that he shows up, he is something different. One day, he is a dove, another day he is a tongue of fire. Always fooling around! I do not bother with the guy, I do not want to know about him, I do not want to see him and I do not want to talk to him.

Well, let me change the subject. Is there really a place called Hell?

JC: Oh yes. Hell. Sure. There is also a ‘Heck’. It’s not as severe, but we got Heck and Hell.

What about Purgatory?

JC: Hmm. Don’t know nothing about no Purgatory. We got Heaven, Heck, Hell and Limbo.

What is Limbo like?

JC: I don’t know. No one is allowed in there. If anyone was in there, it would not be Limbo. Then it would be a place.

Getting back to your previous visit, Jesus. What can you tell us about the last supper?

JC: Well first of all, if I had known I was going to be nailed to a cross, I would have had a bigger meal. You never want to be crucified on an empty stomach.

The Crucifixion must have been terrible.

JC: It was awful, I got to tell you. Unless you have gone through it yourself, you could never know how painful it was. And tiring. It was very, very tiring and embarrassing. More than anything, it was embarrassing. Right in front of everybody to be crucified. Well, I do not know. I guess it redeemed a lot of people.

Were you scared?

JC: Yeah. In the end, I thought it was going to rain. I was afraid I might get hit by lightning. But all in all, I would say that when I was here I had a good time.

What do you think about Christianity?

JC: Well, I’m a little bit embarrassed about it. If I had to do it all over again, I think I’d start one of them Eastern religions like Buddha did. Buddha was smart! That’s why he’s always laughing.

You would not want to be a Christian?

JC: No. I do not want to be a member of any group that has a man nailed on to two pieces of wood as a symbol. Especially if it is me! While, Buddha is laughing, I am nailed to a cross.

I have a few more questions, do you mind?

JC: Hey, be my guest! How often do I get here?

Are there really angels?

JC: Well, not as many as we used to have. Years ago, we had millions of them. Today you can’t get the young people to join. Got to dangerous with radar and heat-seeking missiles.

What about guardian angels?

JC: Well, we still have guardian angels. But now, it’s one angel for every six people. Years ago, everybody has their own guardian angel. 

Do you really answer prayers?

JC: No. First of all, most of them do not even get through! I mean, you got sunspots, you got radio interference. Years ago, we answered them all because the world has fewer people back then and they prayed for something simple. To light a fire, to catch a yak, something like that. Today, you got people praying for basketball teams, people praying for longer fingernails. We just can’t keep up with them.

Well, I think we are just about of time! I certainly want to thank you for visiting with us.

JC: Hey, no sweat.

You have any last thought or words of advice?

JC: You mean how to remove perspiration stains from a garment, something like that?

Uh, no. I mean spiritual advice.

JC: Well, I do not know how spiritual it is but I’ll say one thing: Don’t give your money to the Church! They should be giving their money to you!

Well, thank you, Jesus and have a good day!

JC: You too. Thanks for having me on this here interview today. Oh and by the way, big bands are definitely not coming back!

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The meaning of Life. No, not really.


Trying to find a place for your stuff.

That’s the whole meaning of life, isn’t it? Trying to find a place for your stuff. That’s all your house is. Your house is just a place for stuff! If you didn’t have so much stuff you wouldn’t need a house! You will be just walking around all the time.

That’s all your house is. It’s a pile of stuff with a cover on it.

You see that when you take off on an airplane. You look down & you see everybody’s got a little pile of stuff. Everybody’s got their own pile of stuff & when you leave your stuff you got to luck it up. Wouldn’t want somebody to come by & take some of your stuff. They always take the good stuff. They don’t bother with that crap you’re saving. Nobody’s interested in your elementary Math test papers with perfect scores. They’re looking for the GOOD stuff.

Lemme add something about your house. It’s a place to keep your stuff while you go & GET MORE STUFF.

Now sometimes you have got to move. You got to get a bigger house. Why? TOO MUCH STUFF! You gotta move all your stuff & maybe put some of your stuff in storage. Imagine that. There’s a whole industry about keeping an eye on all your stuff.

Enough of your stuff. Let’s talk about other people’s stuff.

Did you notice when you go to somebody else’s house you never quite feel a hundred percent at home? You know why? NO ROOM FOR YOUR STUFF! Somebody else’s stuff is all over the place & what awful stuff it is! Where did they get this stuff?

If you have to stay at someone else’s house unexpectedly & they give you an extra room for you to sleep in that they don’t use that often… “Someone died in it eleven years ago” and they haven’t moved any of his stuff! Or wherever they give for you to sleep usually right near the bed there’s a dresser and never any room in the dresser for your stuff! Someone else’s shit is on the dresser!

Have you noticed that their stuff is shit & your shit is stuff?

Sometimes when you go on a vacation you got to bring some of your stuff with you. You can’t bring all your stuff, just the stuff you really like. The stuff that fits you well… that month. Let’s say you’re going to a certain tropical area with a beautiful beach. You got to take two big bags of stuff, plus you carry-on stuff, plus the stuff in your pockets.

When you get there & you get in your hotel room you start putting to put away your stuff, that’s the first you do in a hotel room. Put away your stuff. “I’ll put some stuff in here, put some stuff in there, I’ll put some stuff up here, I’ll put some stuff down there, I’ll put some stuff over there. You put your stuff over there, I’ll put my stuff over here. Hey we got more places than we got stuff! We’re gonna have to buy more stuff!”

Here’s the quandary:

Now that you’ve put all your stuff away & you know that you’re hundreds of miles from home & you don’t quite feel at ease, but you know that you must be okay because you do have some of your stuff with you… And you relax at the beach on that basis.

That’s when your friend who lives nearby calls. “Hey! Why don’t come over here for the weekend? Spend a couple of nights over here!”

O shit no! Now what stuff do you bring? Right, you got to bring an even smaller version of your stuff. Just enough stuff for a weekend.You’re really spread out now. You’ve got shit all over the world! You got stuff at home, stuff at storage, stuff in your pockets, stuff in here, stuff in there. Supply lines are getting longer & harder to maintain.

You arrive at your friend’s house & they give you a little place to sleep & there’s a little window ledge or some kinda small shelf & it has little room on it but it’s okay because you have little stuff now. You put what stuff you have up there & you relax at that island on that basis.

THEN your friend says “Hey I think tonight we’ll go to the other side of the island & stay at my friend’s house overnight.”

O SHIT NO! Now what do you bring? Now you just bring the things you know you’re going to need: Money, keys, comb, wallet, lighter, handkerchief, pen, cigarettes, contraceptives, lotion, whips, chains, whistles, dildos, and A BOOK!