McDonald’s and minimum wage


I’d like to officially tell this to the folks at McDonald’s:

You know what? You don’t have to advertise as much as you do. Okay, we get it. You are the folks who sell hamburgers. Thank you very much. We understand completely. There’s no need for the incessant 24-hour commercials, radio ads, etc. It’s just insane.

I don’t even know why they do that. It’s not like when I wake up in the morning and I do not see an ad from McDonald’s I get confused. I’m not sitting there going “Hey, did McDonald’s went out of business? Where are the commercials?”. They do not have to do it.

How about they stop for like one day every four months? That’s it. Their sales aren’t going to go down, they’ll save millions and maybe they could put that money back to the system and pay their minimum wage help an extra buck an hour, how about that? Spread the wealth.

That way, the next time I go to McDonald’s, I don’t have to deal with some understandably pissed off 19-year old kid who is making right around (converted) two dollars and ten cents an hour to stand over a 900-degree fryolator all day and going “Can somebody explain to me again why I shouldn’t be selling drugs?”.

And the phrase “Minimum wage”… Can we think of something else to call it? It ruins your self-esteem. Minimum wage. Isn’t there something else we can call it? Well, it’s better than “Nothing wage”. How about the “Well-at-least-I-do-not-live-in-Haiti wage”? You can’t say minimum wage to people when they are asking you questions.

“Hey! How’s it going? What are you making now?”

“Uh… Minimum wage. Yeah. Lowest amount legally possible. That’s where I am right now. O, they’d like to pay me less! Yeah! They would, though they can’t! Legally, they can’t. I win! I’m the winner!”

The Blue Food


Have you ever wondered why there is hardly any natural food that is blue? Every other color is widely represented in all the natural food. There is Red in Raspberry, Cherry and Strawberry. Orange is represented in the form of… Well, Orange. Yellow is Lemon. Green is also Lemon and all the green and leafy vegetables, Brown is in Meat.

There’s no blue food!

Don’t say Blueberries, we know they’re Indigo. Blue Cheese? No. Blue Cheese is just a bunch of cheese with molds in it. An actual Bluefish has no traces of blue in it.

So where are all the naturally blue food?!

Advertising is full of bullshit III


We’re going to look at some advertising lingo here, especially food advertising.

You know their lines. “Fresh, natural, all-hearty, ol’-fashioned, home made goodness… In a  can”. That kind of stuff.

Let’s take a look at some of these words.

Old-Fashioned. When you hear old-fashioned you’re supposed to think “O this goes back to the old days!”. Right… The old days… Before we had sanitation laws, before hygiene became popular, back when botulism was considered a sauce! Old-fashioned is supposed to give you a warm feeling, make you think about your grandmother. I don’t know about you but when I’m picking out food I don’t wanna be picturing geriatric people with wrinkles in rags with a big and hairy mole sticking out of their infected lips.Then you have

Home Made. You see this in the packages in the super markets. Believe me, it is physically impossible for a food-processing plant to produce anything home made. I don’t care if the CEO is living in the basement and cooking on a hot plate. It’s not going to happen. You see home made in the restaurants too. Home made soup, home made stew and whatnot. The soup is not home made, unless someone is living in the kitchen and if that’s the case I want to get a good look at this bloke. I want to check this guy for lesions, carbuncles and ringworm and head lice. Another one, and it’s close to home made, is

Home Style. When the advertising imbeciles realize that home made sounds too full of shit they go to home style. Home style flavor. Whose home are we talking about? There’s nothing home style about the boiled head of a teenager, okay? Even if you sprinkle parsley or basil on the hair. Anytime they add the word Style to another word someone is pulling your brick. “Old style goodness”, what does that mean? Nothing! “Hawaiian style pizza”, it means it’s not located in Hawaii! The joint’s located in Makati, the owner is from the Bicol region and the food tastes like things that the Cebuanos throw away! Then you have

Gourmet. Here’s another word that the advertising cretins have completely wiped their asses with. “Gourmet dining in a cup”, “Gourmet cuisine in a can”. By the way, whenever you read or hear Cuisine in place of food be prepared to pay an extra eighty percent. “Gourmet rolls”, “Gourmet coffee”, “Gourmet pizza”, these things do not exist! You want to know what gourmet food is? Toasted Snail Penises, Candied Moose Testicles, Deep Fried Tamaraw Dick. Here’s another full of shit food word

Hearty. Soup is hearty, breakfast is hearty. You know what I do when I read or hear the word hearty? I look at the label. If it has 300 grams of saturated fat it is hearty indeed! Gives you the heart attack. It’s the same with Buttery, Lemony and Chocolaty. “Chocolaty goodness”. You know what that means? No chocolate! Beware when they add Flavor to another word. “Lemon flavored drink”. No lemons! “Chicken flavored treat”? Right. No fucking chickens.

Zesty and Tangy are not real words that normal human beings use in conversations. They’re advertising words. Do you ever heard someone saying “This is really zesty!” to you? One more food word and it is

Natural. This is directed to all you healthy food maniacs and environmental nitwits and upstart cocksuckers who are running around. Natural is completely meaningless. Everything is natural. Nature includes everything. It’s not just trees and flowers. It’s everything! A chemical company’s toxic waste is completely natural! It’s part of nature. We’re all part of nature. Dog shit is natural. It’s just not real good food.

Okay?!

Expressions and Impressions


We have a lot of expressions in the English language that we use all or most of the time and we never seem to examine them very closely. We just say  them as if they really made sense.

Legally Drunk. If it’s legal then what’s the problem? Leave the guy alone because he’s legally drunk!

You know where you can stick it. Why do we always assume everyone knows where they can stick it? Suppose you don’t know, suppose you’re a new guy! You absolutely have no idea where to stick it.

Selling like hotcakes. Is this the fastest-selling item we can think of for this figure of speech? Hotcakes? Seriously? Beer! Cigarettes! Coffee! Even eggs! You go to an average place where people go and have their breakfast and you’ll find that a lot of people are ordering eggs than people who are ordering hotcakes. But it doesn’t sound right, does it? “Justin Bieber’s new album is selling like eggs”. People won’t say that. Doesn’t have the right ring to it.

Undisputed Heavyweight Champion. Well if it’s undisputed what’s all the fighting about?

That’s the last draw. That one doesn’t seem to be fair to me. I think you have to warn the guy first. “That’s the next to the last draw!”. Let him/her know that he’s running out of draws.

Down the pike. “He’s the most meanest to come down the pike”. Fine. What about guys who come up the pike? “Not everybody lives north of the pike”. Some guys come up the pike and they’re really mean and nobody mentions them at all. What about the guy who doesn’t even use the pike?

Down the tubes. You’ve heard that a lot, especially during the 90s. “Boy the country is really going the down the tubes”. WHAT TUBES? Have you seen any tubes? Where are these tubes and where do they go? How come there’s more than one tube? Does every province all of a sudden have its own tube now? One tube is all you need. But a tube that big, somebody should have seen it by now! Somebody would have said “Hey Paolo! Look at the tube!”. You never hear that, you know why? No tubes.

Takes the cake. “Boy he really takes the cake”. Where? Where do you take a cake, to the movies? You know where I would take a cake? Down to the bakery to see the other cakes. How come he takes the cake? How come he doesn’t take the pie? Pies are easier to carry than the cake. EASY AS PIE! But cake isn’t too hard to carry either. PIECE OF CAKE.

Out in the streets. You hear this when a criminal gets a parole in the prison. “Now instead of being in prison this guy is out walking in the streets!”. How do we know? Maybe he’s at home watching TV. Not every guy who gets a parole is out walking in the streets! Sometimes he’ll take a bus. Occasionally they’ll steal a car! We ought to be glad. Good thing he stole a car. At least he’s not out there walking in the streets!

Fine and dandy. That’s an old-fashioned one. “How are you?!”, “Fine and dandy!”. I never say that, you know why? I’m never both of those things at the same time. Sometimes I’m fine but not dandy. Close to dandy. Approaching dandy. In the vicinity of dandihood. Not quite dandy. Other times, indeed, I am dandy but not fine. There was about one time, February 2006, that I was fine and dandy but nobody asked how I was!

The riot act. Have you ever heard of that? I got tired of hearing that, especially coming from my mother. “You wait until your father comes home he’s going to read you the riot act!”, “Tell him I’ve read it myself! I didn’t like it either! I consider it wordy and poorly thought out!”. If they want to read me something, HOW ABOUT THE KAMA SUTRA?

More than happy. I’ll bet you’ll say that one. You’ll say “I’d be more than happy to do that!”. How can you be more than happy? To me it sounds like a dangerous mental condition!

In your own words. People say that to you all the time. “Tell us in your own words!”. Do I have my own words? I’M USING THE ONES THAT EVERYONE IS USING! Next time they tell you to say something in your own words say “BLA BLA BLA YADDA YADDA YADDA!”.

Unfathomable Stupidity II


People are fucking dumb.

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You can say what you want in this country and I love this place and I love the freedoms that we used to have. I love it. I love it when it takes us a fucking catastrophe to gets us to take care for one another (*Cough* Sarcasm). I love the fact that we’re now on camera all the time.

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We got some dumb ass motherfuckers floating around in this country. Obviously it doesn’t include you, the reader. You seem perceptive and intelligent enough to venture into my blog but the rest of the Philippines?  MOTHER OF ALL BLAZING SHITBALLS!

Dumber than a second coat of paint!

This isn’t just ranting and raving. The Philippines looks good back then. It was pristine! Paradise. Have you seen it lately? Have you taken a good look at it lately? It’s FUCKING EMBARRASSING. Only a nation of unenlightened half-wits could have taken this beautiful place and turn it into what it is today: A SHOPPING MALL. A big fucking shopping mall.

That’s all you got in this place. Miles and miles of malls. Major malls and mini malls. They put the mini malls in-between the major malls, and in-between mini malls they put mini marts, and in-between the mini marts you got the car lodges, gas stations, muffler shops, laundromats, cheap hotels, fast food joints, strip clubs, and dirty bookstores.

How do the people feel about all of these? Well people think it’s

JUST FUCKING DANDY!!!

They think it’s as cool as can be because Filipinos love malls. They love the malls because that’s where they get to satisfy their two most prominent addictions AT THE SAME TIME: Shopping and Eating. Millions of semi-conscious Filipinos, day after day, shuffling through the malls and they’re shopping and eating.

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Speaking of eating, I noticed that the number of fat people in this country is skyrocketing. You ever noticed that? Big, fat motherfuckers are now roaming in multitudes! Huge piles of redundant protoplasm stampeding inside the malls like a fleet of Field Trip buses.

Massive bellies, monstrous thighs, and BIG FAT FUCKING ASSES! 

If you stand and look at one of them, you’ll begin to wonder how does this woman (Let’s say it’s a “she”) take a shit.

How does she shit?

Even more frightening, how does she wipe her ass?

Can she even locate her asshole?

She must require assistance! Are paramedics trained in this field?

Standing right next to her, of course, is her clueless husband who is also fat with his monstrous over sized beer belly hanging over his belt buckle. This guy ain’t seen his penis since the regime of Ferdinand Marcos.

If you stand and look at them you begin to wonder to yourself…

Do these people fuck?

Is this man actually capable of fucking this woman? 

It doesn’t seem to be possible, structurally, that this couple could achieve penetration.

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Good thing I rarely go out of the house during Summer. Even better, Summer is over. If I see one of them in short shorts I’ll probably go Catholic and say “Jesus, Lord, Protector of all that is Good and Holy, deliver me from fat people in short shorts. They all got short pants, big bellies, fat thighs and dumb kids, Jesus!”.

These people are efficient, professional, compulsive consumers. They think of that as their national pride. It’s their civic duty. Consumption. It’s their new national pastime! Fuck Basketball, it’s consumption!

The only, true, lasting Filipino value that’s left is BUYING THINGS! People spending money they don’t have on things they don’t need.

If you isolated one of them, sit them down and talk to them about these issues about the low IQ’s and the dumb behavior and the bad decisions, right away they’ll start talking about education. That’s the big answer to everything. Education.

Politicians know that word and they used it on you all the time. Politicians are usually hidden in three things: The Philippine Flag, The Bible and the children.

FUCK THAT!

IN THIS COUNTRY, ALL OF THE STUPIDS ARE AN EXTENDED FAMILY.

 

Unfathomable Stupidity


Have you read some of my blog articles?

Yeah. Most people don’t like you to talk about those things, I know that. Some people don’t like you to mention certain things. Some people don’t want you to say this, some people don’t want you to say that, some people think that if you mention some things they might happen.

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Some people are really fucking STUPID.

Did you notice that? How many stupid people do you run into during the day? Shit there’s a lot of fucking stupid people walking around. Carry a paper and a pen or pencil with you’ll wind up with thirty or forty names at the end of the day.

Look at it this way: Think of how stupid the average person is and then realize half of them are stupider than that. It won’t take you very long to spot one, does it? Takes you about eight or nine seconds.

You’ll be listening to someone and you’ll say “This guy is motherfucking STUPID!”.

Then there are some people who aren’t stupid because they’re FULL OF SHIT. That also doesn’t take very long to spot one, does it? It’ll take you about the same amount of time.

You’ll be listening to someone and you’ll say “Well, he’s fairly intelligent. Wait… HE’S FULL OF SHIT!”

Then there are some people who are not stupid & who are not full of shit. They’re FUCKING NUTS!

AND SOME PEOPLE ARE ALL THREE! STUPID, FULL OF SHIT, AND FUCKING NUTS!