My Reality Shows! :)


I’ve decided to cash in on TV’s reality show trend! And I ave several ideas, but they may need a little work, you know, before I approach the networks. Here’s what I’m working on:

1.) This first idea grew out of Survivor but I have a new twist. You put 12 people on a barren island and you let them starve to death. You make sure they get NO FOOD  but you provide plenty of fresh drinking water. You don’t want them to die of thirst. You want them to starve to death. Now that would be entertaining enough but here’s fun part: You make sure that half of the contestants are large, aggressive, physically fit individuals and the other half are small, mild-mannered, and physically weak.

Then you wait them out and see who survives. What’s more than that is you watch HOW THEY SURVIVE! The show is called

GUESS WHO’S FOR DINNER?

The only part I haven’t decided on is to provide them with utensils.

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2.) Here’s another idea that I think has a pretty good shot at the networks…

MANIAC ON DRUGS!

Each week you put a different homicidal maniac in a van filled with assault rifles and ammunition and you provide him with huge amounts of speed, crack, acid and PCP. Then you just let him drive around a highly urbanized city for several days and you video tape everything he does. Naturally, you clear all this with the police so that they don’t interfere with the smooth flow of the show.

At the end of 13 weeks you take all maniacs, give them fresh supply of drugs, and turn them loose at amusement parks with rocket-propelled grenades. Actually, now that I think about it, this idea is too good for the networks. I gotta put it on pay-per-view.

Here’s a variation for the finale (in case the people at amusement parks get squeamish):

You give the maniacs the same drugs but instead of grenade launchers you go back to the assault rifles. Everything’s the same but this time you put them on an ordinary non-stop passenger train from New York to Los Angeles. You strap video cameras to their heads and you let them run loose on the train, allowing them to befriend the other passengers.

Remember! It’s NON-STOP! No one can get off! I guarantee you that there’ll be a lot of great footage. By the way, to save a little money, this could also be done on a Greyhound bus. But you need a really good driver so he won’t get easily distracted.

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3.) Here’s a show that I’m proudest of because it took the most thought I call it

LUCKY BACHELOR!

Our chosen guy is selected from letters sent into the show.

Step One: The lucky bachelor is sent out on 3 different occasions to pick up women in cheap bars and bring each of them to a hotel where he tries to fuck them. If they go along easily, he then convinces them to commit a perverted act involving a floor lamp, a woodpecker and a box of rubber  bands. An act most people would consider completely depraved. All these activities are video taped.

Step Two: We stop 3 men at random on the street and show them the videos and ask them which of the women the lucky bachelor should marry. That women is called  the designated bride. We then ask the 2 losing women to vote on which of the three random street guys look like the best fuck. That guy is called the designated best fuck street guy.

Step Three: We take the 2 losing street guys and the 2 losing bar girls and feed them near fatal dozes of aphrodisiac, put them in thong bathing suits, and turn them loose on an adult sex shop with unlimited credit. This footage, strictly an added feature, could possibly be some of the liveliest on the show.

Now the alert reader is probably wondering and saying “What happened to our original bachelor?” Well, in

Step Four: We arrange for him and the designated best fuck street guy to stage a bare knuckle street fight to the death in the center aisle of the St. Peter’s in Rome during a papal high mass. The 2 men must keep fighting until one of them dies. It’s important to the show! As a side feature, we keep a camera trained on the Pope and every time he falls asleep during the fight, we give the guys an extra $100. The reason on why it is important that one of them dies is because the next day, in the same church, we’re going to hold

Step Five: A combination of a wedding and a funeral! The loser of the fight gets the funeral. The winner gets to marry the designated hotel fuck bride, with the remaining losing bar and hotel participants serving as bridesmaids and pall-bearers. We then give the newly weds all the leftover drugs on Maniac On Drugs and send them on a honeymoon to some nice and conservative golfing resort where they’re required to take large amounts of drugs and 2 weeks of golf and tennis lesson.

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4.) This next one is my make-over show. My working title is

TRY LOOKING LIKE THAT FOR A CHANGE!

You start by picking 3 incredibly beautiful and successful supermodels. And then, against their will, you sedate them, strap them down, and subject them to extensive plastic surgery. You give them big misshapen noses, sagging eye bags and plenty of wrinkles and drooping skin on their faces. Then you pump enough fat into their asses, hips and thighs to make them really unhappy.

When they come out of the anesthesia, the audience yells “Try looking like that for a change!”

I’m so excited about this one that I’m working on a variation that involves involuntary sex change surgery!

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Well that’s it for reality shows! I suppose all that’s left for me is to tell you about a show called “Bowel Movement”. Basically, it’s a show that involves a fixed position camera, a toilet and a series of guys with diets organized primarily around beer and extra spicy Mexican food. Perhaps it’s better if I don’t go into too much detail at this time.

And you know something I’m thinking? This one might actually belong on cable.

Well, that’s it folks! I’ve done all I can to develop a hit show but the creative process can take you so far. The rest is up to you. The public. And I’m counting on your good taste!

realitytv

Stupid things about Mormonism


It’s interesting that everyone, with just the tiniest cursory knowledge of Scientology and its beliefs in Dianetics and the tenets of Dianetics married with the information about its author, this megalomaniac science fiction writer (L. Ron Hubbard), you can just know those two little tiny things about Scientology and go

“Wow! What a load of bullshit!”

Well, that’s Mormonism is. Same thing. It’s a religion invented by a liar. A convicted fraud that now can pass legislation in the states of U.S.A. far, far away from their headquarters that deny gay people their equal rights. They make sure that shit is taxed up double.

It’s so weird to me and tragic that you have to explain to somebody who is sitting outside the hospital, whose partner of 40 years is dying and they do not have the same visitation rights as the family that ostracized him for being gay, who hasn’t seen him in 40 years. They can go visit him as he die, but he can’t. He’ll be like “I don’t understand, how can this possibly be! This is unfair and unjust!” and they’ll be like

“Well, here’s the deal: Almost two centuries ago, a guy named Joseph smith, a convicted fraud, claims an angel named Moroni appeared before him and said that God had picked him out to find these golden plates that had been buried thousands of years ago just down the street from where he lived. He was to go dig up them up and translate them BUT NOBODY ELSE IS TO SEE THEM EVER, EVER. And then Joseph Smith dug up the plates and used his seer stone and he’s like ‘Wait a second, these are Egyptian hieroglyphics. How am I going to translate it?’ and Moroni gave him some ‘magic glasses’. So he donned the magic glasses, talked to his wife and his neighbor and dictated what eventually became the Book of Mormon which, oddly enough and coincidentally, has Masonic imagery and ideals because Joseph and his brother Hyrum were masons at that time, but the plates were from thousands of years ago.

“And then a bunch of people believed this and that’s why you can’t go visit your loved one. Sorry!”

Bummer.

Awareness Ribbons


Haven’t we gone overboard with these colored ribbons/awareness ribbons for different causes? Every cause has its own colored ribbon now.

Red for AIDS,

Blue for Child Abuse,

Pink for Breast Cancer,

Green for Environmental Protection,

Purple for Domestic Violence,

Jade for Hepatitis B,

Indigo for Targeted Individuals,

Puzzled for Autism,

Red and Black for Atheist Solidarity,

Gold for Childhood Cancer,

Teal for Sexual Assault, etc, etc, etc…

I got a Brown one, it’s symbolizes me saying

Eat shit, motherfucker!

Elementary Politics III: Political Language


Politicians deal with language all the time. They speak with caution because they must take care not to say anything.

Proof of this, according to their own words, is that they do not actually say things but they indicate them.

“As I indicated yesterday…”, “As the president indicated to me…”.

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Sometimes they don’t indicate. They suggest.

“Let me suggest that as I indicated yesterday…”

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Politicians do not decide. They determine. If it’s a really serious matter, they make a judgment. They don’t tell. They advise.

“I haven’t made a judgment on that yet. When the hearing has been concluded I will make a judgment or I might make an assessment, I’m not sure because I haven’t determined that yet. But when I do I will advice you!”

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They don’t answer. They respond.

“I advised him that I have made a judgment. Thus far, he hasn’t responded.”

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An initiative is an idea that is not going anywhere.

“He hasn’t responded to my initiative!”

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They don’t read. They review. They won’t have opinions because they take positions and sometimes they don’t give advises because they give/make/offer recommendations.

“When he responds to my initiative I will review his response, take a position and make a recommendation!”

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So at long last after each has responded to the other’s initiatives and each has reviewed the other’s responses and everyone has taken a position, made a judgment and offered a recommendation, now they have to do something. But that would be much too direct. So instead, they address the problem. Plus, they’re always proceeding or moving forward. A lot of that goes on.

“We’re addressing the problem and we’ll soon be proceeding…”, “Well we’re moving forward on that…”.

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When they’re not moving forward, they’re moving something else forward such as the process. No one has problems anymore, they have challenges. That’s why we need people who can make the tough decisions.  Tough decisions like

“How much soft money can I expect to collect in exchange for my core values so that I can continue my work in the government?”.

Of course no politician would admit to such lowly position such as working in the government. Instead they admit that they are serving the nation. Another distortion is public service.

“We have to move the process forward so we can implement the provisions of the initiative in order to meet these challenges.”, “I like the Philippines. The food is great but the public service is terrible!”.

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Normally during peace time the politicians will refer to the people in the military as our young men and women stationed around the world. In war-time they quickly become our brave young fighting men and women stationed halfway around the world in places whose name they can’t pronounce wondering if they’ll ever see their loved ones again. For added emotional impact, sons and daughters will always be substituted for men and women.

I think we can sum this up by saying that when the military is concerned, the extent of a politician’s insincerity can be measured by how far around the world our soldiers are stationed and whether or not any of them can pronounce it.

Incidentally, another way of expressing this sentiment is to say that we’re sending our young men and women to places that the average Filipino can’t find on a map. I’ve always thought that it was kind of funny and somewhat out of character for a politician to go out his way and point out the low-level of Filipino intelligence when, indeed, his very job depends upon it.

It would seem to fly on the face of that rhetorical stand-by of theirs that the Filipino people are way more intelligent than they’re given credit for. This is said with a straight face although it is obvious, of course, that the proposition is being stated precisely backwards.

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But the politicians, God bless them or something like that (LOL), they are at their most entertaining when they are in trouble. When they’re in trouble their explanations usually begin simply with words like miscommunication

“Well it was a miscommunication.” or as quoted  out of context, and better yet, “They twisted my words!“.

Such a nice touch. A person who routinely spends his days torturing the language complains that his words were twisted by someone.

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As they controversy continues, he moves up to his next level of complaint, which is

“The whole thing has been blown out of proportions!”.

It’s always the whole thing! Apparently, no one has ever claimed that it was only a small portion of something that was blown out of proportions. It has to be always the whole thing. That’s because, now, the politician is feeling the heat.

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As time passes and more evidence comes in he suddenly changes directions and tells us that

“We’re trying to get to the bottom of this…“.

Now he’s on the side of law and order.

“We’re trying to get to get to the bottom of this so we can get the facts out to the Filipino people!”

That’s always a nice touch. The Filipino people/The Filipinos. In fact at this point he might even say

“I’m willing to trust in the fairness of the Filipinos!”

Clearly he’s trying to tell us something.

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So when, finally, all the facts came out and our subject seems quite guilty, he employs that sublime use of the passive voice mistakes were made.

“Mistakes were made! Don’t look at me! It’s probably someone from my office!”

Things are moving faster now and mistakes were made were replaced by there is no evidence, no one has proven anything, eventually I will be exonerated, I have faith in the Filipino judicial system,  and at certain sign that things are closing in, whatever happened to innocent until proven guilty?

Well he’s about to find out.

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We know this must be true because the next we hear from him is

“I just want to put this thing behind me and get on with my life!”

We hear the phrase “I just want to put this thing behind me” a lot these days in all walks of life. Usually the person in question has committed some unspeakable act.

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That’s the problem in this country. Too many people are getting on with their lives. I think what we really need more is ritual suicide. Never mind the press conference, pull out the drawer in the kitchen and get the big knife. Kidding.

Personally, what I want to do is to put this “I want to put this thing behind me and get on with my life” thing behind me and get on with my life.

Just to conclude this, let’s just hope that there is a torture chamber for people who recently decided to take responsibility for their actions. That’s the big thing now. Taking responsibility for your actions like it’s a recent discovery.

He’s taking responsibility for his actions. Well isn’t that wonderful?! Ask him if he’s willing to take responsibility for my actions! Along with my bills, car payments and my gambling debts (I have no gambling debts in real life).

“Someone has said that it requires less mental effort to condemn than to think” -Emma Goldman

The Music on the FM Radio


Why do people really listen to that shitty music that’s being played on the radio? FM radio music. What’s it called? Adult-Contemporary? Classic Rock? Urban Rhythm-and-Blues? You know what’s the official business name for that shit?

Corporate Standardized Programming

Just what an art form needs! Derived from scientific surveys conducted by retarded businessmen. Here’s how bad it is. One nationwide chain that owns many radio stations conducts weekly telephone polls asking listeners their opinions on twenty-five to thirty song hooks they play over the phone. Hooks that the radio people already selected, hooks of the short, repeated pop songs that people remember easily. Depending on these polls, the radio chain decides which songs to play on their station’s playlist.

Weeks later, they record the hooks of all the songs that they’re currently playing on their radio stations across the country, label them by title and artist and sell that information to record companies to help create more of the same, bad music.

They also sell the information to competing radio stations that want to play what the big chains are playing. All of these is done to prevent the possibility of Original Thinking somehow creeping into the system.

In the first place, listening to music that someone else has picked out is not my idea of a good time. Second, and more important, the fact that a lot of people in The Philippines actually like the music automatically means it sucks, especially since the people who like it have been told in advanced by the businessmen what it is that they’re supposed to like!

Save me from people who have been told what to like and then like it. My opinion is if you’re over six years of age and you’re still getting your music from the radio something is desperately wrong with you.

I can only hope that MP3 and File Sharing will destroy FM Radio to ground zero the way they’re destroying record companies. Then, even though the air will probably never be safe to breathe again, may it will be safer to listen to.

Euphemism


SOFT LANGUAGE!!!

What the fuck’s with these euphemisms? It takes the life out of life! It is a function of time which means it keeps getting worse.

When & why did toilet paper became bathroom tissue? I wasn’t notified of this & no one asked me if I’m agreeing with it. It just happened. Toilet paper became “bathroom tissue”.

Sneakers became running shoes.

False teeth became dental appliances.

Medicine became medication.

Information became directory assistance.

The dump became the landfill.

Car crashes became automobile accidents.

Partly cloudy became partly sunny (Wait, what?).

Motels became motor lodges.

Used cars became previously owned transportation.

Room service became guest room dining.

Constipation became occasional irregularity.

Back in the day if I got sick they want me to go to a hospital & see a doctor. Now they want me to go to a health maintenance organization or a wellness center to consult a healthcare delivery professional.

Poor people used to live in the slums. Now the economically disadvantaged occupy substandard housing in the inner cities and they’re broke! They don’t have a negative cash flow position, THEY’RE FUCKING BROKE! They’re broke because a lot of them were fired. You know what’s fired. Management wanted to cut redundancies in the human resources area so many people are no longer viable members of the workforce.

Smug, greedy, well-fed people have invented a language to conceal these shit. Simple as that.

In the US the CIA don’t kill anybody anymore, they neutralize people or they depopulated the area. The Pentagon actually measures nuclear radiation in the form of sunshine units. Israeli murderers are called commandos and Arab commandos are called terrorists. Contra killers are called freedom fighters. If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire what do freedom fighters fight? THEY NEVER MENTION THAT PART TO US DO THEY?

Here in our country the government doesn’t lie, it “engages in disinformation”.

Some stuffs are even more silly. Like when you’re in the airlines & they say they want a pre-board. What the fuck is a pre-board? To get on before you get on? They say the want to pre-board those who are in need of special assistance. CRIPPLES! 

Simple, honest direct language! There’s no shame attached to the word “crippled” that I can find in any dictionary! In fact it’s a word used in Bible translations. “Jesus heals the crippled”. Doesn’t take seven words to describe that condition!

But we don’t have any cripples in the world anymore. We have the physically challenged. Is that grotesque enough of an evasion for you? The disabled are now the differently abled. WHAT THE FUCK? You can’t call these people “handicapped” anymore. They’ll say “We’re not handicapped, we’re handy capable!”

These people have been bullshitted into believing that if you change the name of the conditions you’ll somehow change the condition!

We have no more deaf people anymore. We have the hearing impaired. No one is blind anymore. We have the partially sighted or the visually impaired. We no longer have stupid people. Everybody has a learning disorder or he/she’s minimally exceptional.

Psychologists now have call ugly people those with severe appearance deficits. It’s getting so bad that any day now I expect a rape victim referred to as an unwilling sperm recipient.

We no longer have old people anymore! We shipped them all away & we brought these

Senior Citizens.

But “senior citizens” is okay with me. It’s here to stay. That’s what they’re going to be called so I’ll have to relax on that but the one I do resist, the one I keep resisting is when they look at an old guy and say “Look at him. He’s ninety years YOUNG.”

Imagine the fear of aging that reveals! To not even be able to use the word “old” to describe someone. They have to use an antonym! Fear of aging is natural. It’s universal, isn’t it? We all have that. No one wants to get old & no one wants to die but it’s inevitable. SO WE BULLSHIT OURSELVES.

Thanks to our fear of death we don’t have to die. We’ll PASS AWAY. If it happens in the hospital they’ll call it a terminal episode. The insurance companies will refer to it as negative patient care outcome & it’s if the result of malpractice they’ll say it was a therapeutic misadventure.

The terms today. Bloodless. Lifeless. No pulse in one of them. It makes me want to vomit. Well, not vomit. It makes me want to engage in an involuntary personal protein spill.