My Reality Shows! :)


I’ve decided to cash in on TV’s reality show trend! And I ave several ideas, but they may need a little work, you know, before I approach the networks. Here’s what I’m working on:

1.) This first idea grew out of Survivor but I have a new twist. You put 12 people on a barren island and you let them starve to death. You make sure they get NO FOOD  but you provide plenty of fresh drinking water. You don’t want them to die of thirst. You want them to starve to death. Now that would be entertaining enough but here’s fun part: You make sure that half of the contestants are large, aggressive, physically fit individuals and the other half are small, mild-mannered, and physically weak.

Then you wait them out and see who survives. What’s more than that is you watch HOW THEY SURVIVE! The show is called

GUESS WHO’S FOR DINNER?

The only part I haven’t decided on is to provide them with utensils.

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2.) Here’s another idea that I think has a pretty good shot at the networks…

MANIAC ON DRUGS!

Each week you put a different homicidal maniac in a van filled with assault rifles and ammunition and you provide him with huge amounts of speed, crack, acid and PCP. Then you just let him drive around a highly urbanized city for several days and you video tape everything he does. Naturally, you clear all this with the police so that they don’t interfere with the smooth flow of the show.

At the end of 13 weeks you take all maniacs, give them fresh supply of drugs, and turn them loose at amusement parks with rocket-propelled grenades. Actually, now that I think about it, this idea is too good for the networks. I gotta put it on pay-per-view.

Here’s a variation for the finale (in case the people at amusement parks get squeamish):

You give the maniacs the same drugs but instead of grenade launchers you go back to the assault rifles. Everything’s the same but this time you put them on an ordinary non-stop passenger train from New York to Los Angeles. You strap video cameras to their heads and you let them run loose on the train, allowing them to befriend the other passengers.

Remember! It’s NON-STOP! No one can get off! I guarantee you that there’ll be a lot of great footage. By the way, to save a little money, this could also be done on a Greyhound bus. But you need a really good driver so he won’t get easily distracted.

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3.) Here’s a show that I’m proudest of because it took the most thought I call it

LUCKY BACHELOR!

Our chosen guy is selected from letters sent into the show.

Step One: The lucky bachelor is sent out on 3 different occasions to pick up women in cheap bars and bring each of them to a hotel where he tries to fuck them. If they go along easily, he then convinces them to commit a perverted act involving a floor lamp, a woodpecker and a box of rubber  bands. An act most people would consider completely depraved. All these activities are video taped.

Step Two: We stop 3 men at random on the street and show them the videos and ask them which of the women the lucky bachelor should marry. That women is called  the designated bride. We then ask the 2 losing women to vote on which of the three random street guys look like the best fuck. That guy is called the designated best fuck street guy.

Step Three: We take the 2 losing street guys and the 2 losing bar girls and feed them near fatal dozes of aphrodisiac, put them in thong bathing suits, and turn them loose on an adult sex shop with unlimited credit. This footage, strictly an added feature, could possibly be some of the liveliest on the show.

Now the alert reader is probably wondering and saying “What happened to our original bachelor?” Well, in

Step Four: We arrange for him and the designated best fuck street guy to stage a bare knuckle street fight to the death in the center aisle of the St. Peter’s in Rome during a papal high mass. The 2 men must keep fighting until one of them dies. It’s important to the show! As a side feature, we keep a camera trained on the Pope and every time he falls asleep during the fight, we give the guys an extra $100. The reason on why it is important that one of them dies is because the next day, in the same church, we’re going to hold

Step Five: A combination of a wedding and a funeral! The loser of the fight gets the funeral. The winner gets to marry the designated hotel fuck bride, with the remaining losing bar and hotel participants serving as bridesmaids and pall-bearers. We then give the newly weds all the leftover drugs on Maniac On Drugs and send them on a honeymoon to some nice and conservative golfing resort where they’re required to take large amounts of drugs and 2 weeks of golf and tennis lesson.

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4.) This next one is my make-over show. My working title is

TRY LOOKING LIKE THAT FOR A CHANGE!

You start by picking 3 incredibly beautiful and successful supermodels. And then, against their will, you sedate them, strap them down, and subject them to extensive plastic surgery. You give them big misshapen noses, sagging eye bags and plenty of wrinkles and drooping skin on their faces. Then you pump enough fat into their asses, hips and thighs to make them really unhappy.

When they come out of the anesthesia, the audience yells “Try looking like that for a change!”

I’m so excited about this one that I’m working on a variation that involves involuntary sex change surgery!

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Well that’s it for reality shows! I suppose all that’s left for me is to tell you about a show called “Bowel Movement”. Basically, it’s a show that involves a fixed position camera, a toilet and a series of guys with diets organized primarily around beer and extra spicy Mexican food. Perhaps it’s better if I don’t go into too much detail at this time.

And you know something I’m thinking? This one might actually belong on cable.

Well, that’s it folks! I’ve done all I can to develop a hit show but the creative process can take you so far. The rest is up to you. The public. And I’m counting on your good taste!

realitytv

Tragedy, Taxing Jesus, and the Perineum


When a great tragedy occurs and it’s being reported in the TV news, they get sad or cry and say things like “O it was terrible! It was tragic! But he’s in a better place now! He’s with Jesus!”

Then why are you crying?!

If he’s in this utopia why are you crying? He’s in the best place that you could think of! You should be happy! Did you cry and said it was terrible when you got a job promotion and a new car?!

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If you think death leads to eternal bliss, why are you wearing a seat belt?

I’m just saying if that’s what gets you through your day, I’m not going to take it away from you but it’s a vice just like any of my vices. They tax all the vices. They tax all the cigarettes, alcohol. Every time you get into a legalization conversation with your friends about drugs or prostitution they’ll go “You know if they just legalize drugs, we could tax ’em and wipe out the deficit”. If you’re going to tax it, tax all the vices including, yes, Jesus because the Catholic Church has more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in the way.

Gets you through your day, sure. Maybe a pack of cigarettes and a hooker will get me through my day. The only difference is I don’t show up on a Sunday morning banging on your door persuading you to accept a hand job from a skank in a short vinyl skirt. Leave me the fuck out of it.

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“I feel sorry for you because you don’t have Jesus in your life”

Well I feel sorry for you because you’re 45 years old and you still have a bogeyman under the bed.

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The separation at Church and State is called the Perineum, ladies and gentlemen, and the Episiotomy did not hold. It’s all jammed up together in one hole. I’m just saying I don’t like the laws and legislations and all the same shit that control your life that originated with the Church. All vice laws are Church laws, Nudity laws. Everyone around me is saying “You know over there in Afghanistan, the Taliban makes the women wear veils over their faces. It’s sexist and horrible!”. Well their faces are your tits!

Different body parts, same religious bullshit!

I wonder if they have facey bars over there in Afghanistan, you think if you have enough money you can in some cave you look under the girl’s veil?

How Alcohol and Drugs work


It all comes down to this:

They’re wonderful when you try them first. They’re not around for all these millennia for no reason.

First few times is mostly pleasure and very little pain. Maybe a hangover. As you increase and keep using whatever it is the pleasure part decreases and the pain part, the price you pay, increases until the balance is completely the other way and it’s almost all pain and there’s hardly any pleasure.

At that point you would hope the intellect says “O this doesn’t work anymore! I’m going to die and I have to do something” but you need people around you who can help you and you need something to live for and you have something to look forward to. Why? To bring you out of it. A lot of people don’t have a lot to live for and they’re sort of stuck inside (Like one of my cousins. LOL).

But fuck it. Where do you think my creativity comes from?

Like it or not, Marijuana changes values. A stick of joint opens another window or door of perception for me. I see things differently. It shows me different kinds of vistas and it broadens them. But the thing is you have to control your usage. I always have a joint somewhere near me. When I want to write something (Except for that time when I was writing my 15 Days of No Smoking article) I puff a joint. A few hits, just a few hits (may three or four) and it’s punch-up time! Time to get some things going!

With that judicious use there’s some value in it but most of the things that other people use don’t want to leave them alone. They don’t. Pot does and thank goodness for that.

Tackling Non-Smokers


Whining maggots.

Obnoxious, self-righteous slugs.

I’m not smoking for fifteen days because my best friend convinced me to. After that I’ll most likely to revert to my old habits.

I’d permanently quit smoking if I didn’t think I’d become one of you. I’m willing to die seven years before my time just so I’ll be cool each last day.

The worst kind of non-smoker is the one comes up to you & says “Eh-heh, heh, heh, hehm, eh-heh, eh-heh, eh-heh-hehm”. I remember someone who approached me like that a month ago & I said, in Tagalog of course,

“Ma’am you’re lucky you don’t smoke. That’s a hell of a cough you got there. I smoke all day & I don’t cough like that. Maybe you were conceived with a weak sperm of something. Maybe your dad was jacking off & your mom sat on his lap at the last second.”

The lady was stunned & then she just left. Did I overreact? Meh. I don’t think I did. I was smoking & someone like that comes up coughing at me? It’s like approaching a crippled person & dance like a fucker!

I’ll smoke, I’ll cough, I’ll get the tumors, I’ll die. Deal? 🙂

What I’m missing


As you are in know of things, I’m currently NOT smoking. May it be plain cigarettes or a long & thick Marijuana joint, I currently do not smoke and oh boy…

It is hard to quit smoking.

Everyone of ’em sticks looks good to me right now. Every stick looks like it was made by God, rolled by Jesus & moistened shut with Olivia Wilde’s pussy right now.

You get the feeling that I’m missing something right now? Herp da Derp da Hurr Durr!

15 Days of No Smoking


PROLOGUE

Yesterday (1st of July, 2012) I was somehow convinced by my bestfriend’s words to stop smoking for at least 15 days. Starting today (2nd of July, 2012) I’ll be withdrawing like some crazy drug junkie. If I fail to do this shit I’ll be , lo and behold, dancing with her on a Dance Dance Revo platform. LOL. I’d rather stop smoking than dance like a fucktard on an arcade.

So here it goes…

DAY 1, 2nd of July, 2012

The chemical dependency that Nicotine has created is already really kicking my ass. Everytime I go of the house I wanna smoke, everytime there’s nothing to do I wanna smoke and everytime I finish something I wanna smoke. LOL. I’m sure that the next three of four days will be a bitch.

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DAY 2, 3rd of July, 2012

I bought a stick hours ago but I decided not to smoke it. I broke it in half. Buh-bye 3 Pesos! LOL. I’m still fighting the itch to have a smoke though. Can’t wait for that day when I’ll start experiencing soar throats, coughing, and other signs of colds and respiratory problem. Lungs are beginning to clear by that time.

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DAY 3, 4th of July, 2012

Chewed a lot of Doublemint pellets today, plus I kept myself really busy so that my mind could at least temporarily forget about having a smoke. I’m expecting my Masseter, Lateral Pterygoid, Medial Pterygoid, and Temporalis to increase in size and my breath to be as fragrant as fuck as I keep on chewing more gums. LOL. 🙂

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DAY 4, 5th of July, 2012

Just kept myself busy by working out and doing household chores. Every three or four hours I chew on a few pellets of gum. Felt a bit cooped up though. Kinda miss my old bestfriend, cigarette, but that’s just normal. Just one of the many withdrawal symptoms.

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DAY 5, 6th of  July, 2012

WTF? Soar Throat came earlier than expected. Well that’s good because, as stated in Day 2, my lungs are beginning to clear the hell out. As usual I kept myself busy. Most of the time I pondered about the heel burning sensation that I’m experiencing for a couple of years now. I still chew gum pellets, LOL, and I still feel a bit cooped up. Can’t sleep properly. Damn. O well.

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DAY 6, 7th of July, 2012

Ugh. Insomnia. 2 Days and still going. Hating it! Didn’t do that much today. Just sat all day long reading other people’s blog & updating my own blog. Still missing my old friend though. Haha. O well, the fight continues!

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DAY 7, 8th of July, 2012

I was in stasis up to 1 in the afternoon. Today all I did was watch Moneyball, The Silence of the Lambs & Insidious, pig out & explore the social network world. Soar Throat’s gone but my right Molar’s aching like fuck a while ago. The pain has now lessened. My stamina’s coming back LOL! It’s been a week since I last puffed a stick/joint! FUCK! =))

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DAY 8, 9th of July, 2012

I have physical, mental & emotional symptoms that are occuring during the wee hours of the day. I’m craving for a smoke during 2AM to 3AM, my hands & feet are fuckin’ tingling  & I am totally being dependent & irritable so I decided to get busy as fuck during the whole day. Totally worked. LOL.

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DAY 9, 10th of July, 2012

As usual I kept myself busy throughout the day by working out, pigging out & blogging. Smoking never came into my mind today. Weird… But good.

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DAY 10, 11th of July, 2012

SSDD. Work out, pig out, blog the fuck out.

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DAY 11, 12th of July, 2012

SSDD except for the fact that I got laid. LOL.

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DAY 12, 13th of July, 2012

Oh damn 3 days left! I can do this! Anyways, nothing much occured during the day. So… Meh. SSDD

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DAY 13, 14th of July, 2012

SSDD. 2 More days! Hang in there fucker, hang in there.

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DAY 14, 15th of July, 2012

The more I think about Monday the more I crave for a stick of cigarette/Marijuana joint. I hate this feeling. Haha. Damn, damn, DAMN!

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THE LAST DAY, 16th of July, 2012

‘Tis done! My fifteen days of abstinence is finally over! No Dance Dance Revolution for me. LOL. Geez. Fifteen grueling days full of withdrawal symptoms & cravings. Now what? Should I continue or should I revert to my smoking habits?

Meh. I’ll smoke to that. =))