Advertising is full of bullshit III

We’re going to look at some advertising lingo here, especially food advertising.

You know their lines. “Fresh, natural, all-hearty, ol’-fashioned, home made goodness… In a  can”. That kind of stuff.

Let’s take a look at some of these words.

Old-Fashioned. When you hear old-fashioned you’re supposed to think “O this goes back to the old days!”. Right… The old days… Before we had sanitation laws, before hygiene became popular, back when botulism was considered a sauce! Old-fashioned is supposed to give you a warm feeling, make you think about your grandmother. I don’t know about you but when I’m picking out food I don’t wanna be picturing geriatric people with wrinkles in rags with a big and hairy mole sticking out of their infected lips.Then you have

Home Made. You see this in the packages in the super markets. Believe me, it is physically impossible for a food-processing plant to produce anything home made. I don’t care if the CEO is living in the basement and cooking on a hot plate. It’s not going to happen. You see home made in the restaurants too. Home made soup, home made stew and whatnot. The soup is not home made, unless someone is living in the kitchen and if that’s the case I want to get a good look at this bloke. I want to check this guy for lesions, carbuncles and ringworm and head lice. Another one, and it’s close to home made, is

Home Style. When the advertising imbeciles realize that home made sounds too full of shit they go to home style. Home style flavor. Whose home are we talking about? There’s nothing home style about the boiled head of a teenager, okay? Even if you sprinkle parsley or basil on the hair. Anytime they add the word Style to another word someone is pulling your brick. “Old style goodness”, what does that mean? Nothing! “Hawaiian style pizza”, it means it’s not located in Hawaii! The joint’s located in Makati, the owner is from the Bicol region and the food tastes like things that the Cebuanos throw away! Then you have

Gourmet. Here’s another word that the advertising cretins have completely wiped their asses with. “Gourmet dining in a cup”, “Gourmet cuisine in a can”. By the way, whenever you read or hear Cuisine in place of food be prepared to pay an extra eighty percent. “Gourmet rolls”, “Gourmet coffee”, “Gourmet pizza”, these things do not exist! You want to know what gourmet food is? Toasted Snail Penises, Candied Moose Testicles, Deep Fried Tamaraw Dick. Here’s another full of shit food word

Hearty. Soup is hearty, breakfast is hearty. You know what I do when I read or hear the word hearty? I look at the label. If it has 300 grams of saturated fat it is hearty indeed! Gives you the heart attack. It’s the same with Buttery, Lemony and Chocolaty. “Chocolaty goodness”. You know what that means? No chocolate! Beware when they add Flavor to another word. “Lemon flavored drink”. No lemons! “Chicken flavored treat”? Right. No fucking chickens.

Zesty and Tangy are not real words that normal human beings use in conversations. They’re advertising words. Do you ever heard someone saying “This is really zesty!” to you? One more food word and it is

Natural. This is directed to all you healthy food maniacs and environmental nitwits and upstart cocksuckers who are running around. Natural is completely meaningless. Everything is natural. Nature includes everything. It’s not just trees and flowers. It’s everything! A chemical company’s toxic waste is completely natural! It’s part of nature. We’re all part of nature. Dog shit is natural. It’s just not real good food.



The Music on the FM Radio

Why do people really listen to that shitty music that’s being played on the radio? FM radio music. What’s it called? Adult-Contemporary? Classic Rock? Urban Rhythm-and-Blues? You know what’s the official business name for that shit?

Corporate Standardized Programming

Just what an art form needs! Derived from scientific surveys conducted by retarded businessmen. Here’s how bad it is. One nationwide chain that owns many radio stations conducts weekly telephone polls asking listeners their opinions on twenty-five to thirty song hooks they play over the phone. Hooks that the radio people already selected, hooks of the short, repeated pop songs that people remember easily. Depending on these polls, the radio chain decides which songs to play on their station’s playlist.

Weeks later, they record the hooks of all the songs that they’re currently playing on their radio stations across the country, label them by title and artist and sell that information to record companies to help create more of the same, bad music.

They also sell the information to competing radio stations that want to play what the big chains are playing. All of these is done to prevent the possibility of Original Thinking somehow creeping into the system.

In the first place, listening to music that someone else has picked out is not my idea of a good time. Second, and more important, the fact that a lot of people in The Philippines actually like the music automatically means it sucks, especially since the people who like it have been told in advanced by the businessmen what it is that they’re supposed to like!

Save me from people who have been told what to like and then like it. My opinion is if you’re over six years of age and you’re still getting your music from the radio something is desperately wrong with you.

I can only hope that MP3 and File Sharing will destroy FM Radio to ground zero the way they’re destroying record companies. Then, even though the air will probably never be safe to breathe again, may it will be safer to listen to.