Answering Machines!


Answering machines.

I know that not a lot of people here in our country do not own answering machines, but when they do own one, they are the people who think it is cute to let their children record the outgoing message. You know? Ugh. You can’t understand almost a single word out of it because the kid is an imbecile!

“Hi! My name is Stacy, I’m Five years old! My mommy and daddy aren’t home because blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah-*beep*”

My answer? Well,

“Here’s my message  Stacy: I’m  coming over to your house with a big knife, and I’m going to kill mommy and daddy, I’m going to peel off their skin and make a funny hat, after that I’m going to take my huge ding-dong and stick it right into your-*beep*”

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Children II


Boys are hard to raise, man. All my cousins have boys and I just feel for them because it’s really hard. But girls are just as hard to raise but on a whole other level. They’re just different. Here’s the difference between boys and girls:

Boys fuck things up. Girls are fucked up.

Boys just do damage to your house that you can measure in currencies, like a typhoon. Girls leave scars in your psyche that you find later, like a genocide or an atrocity.

One of my cousins came over once with her little boy who was four years at that time. She comes over and she’s been with him all day so she’s in bad shape. She’s got a drink and she says

“I can’t… I just can’t.. I just can’t do it anymore.”

So I tried pulled out a blanket and wrapped it around her to try to calm her down. Then her little boy walks up to her and he’s got a handful of sand. Sand. We don’t even have sand on our home and he’s got a handful of it. She walks up to his mom and just throws the sand right into her drink! It’s all she had and he just ruined it. Really confident on his part, though. It’s like “Yeah, that’s where that shit goes. Right there!”

I was blown away by this because girls would never dream of doing that. It would not even occur to their minds that a person could do that. But their fucked up!

Like that time when we are at one of my cousin’s house. My cousin has two little girls, one’s a five-year old and the others a three-year old. They were playing near me and the younger one broke her sister’s toy. The five-year old, knowing that I was near, came to me and demanded that I break her sister’s toy in return to make it fair…

…And I did.

That’s how much shit she gave me. I broke a little girl’s toy and I felt awful. I looked the older sister and she’s got a big and creepy smile on her face! What the fuck?

That’s the difference between boys and girls. It’s also the same for men and women, really. A man will steal your car or burn your house down or beat the shit out of you but a woman will ruin your fucking life. Do you see the difference? A man will cut your arm off and throw it into the river but he’ll leave you as a human being intact. He won’t fuck with who you are. Women are non-violent but they will shit inside your heart.

Rules and Verbal Clichés of our parents


One of the things that kids have to put up with is rules. They’re not as bad as laws because they are not written down and they don’t throw you to the slammer when you break one of them.

I was never good at following rules as much as I am good at breaking them. I just thought most of them did not make any sense and awfully dumb so, fuck yeah, I break them. Some of them were good, no question about that, and most of them are really dumb.

No running while holding scissors.  That’s one rule I never disobeyed. Made sense to me. When I was a kid there was a “no singing at the dining table during dinner” rule. Shit, what the fuck? Why is singing not allowed during that time? One guy with a bad voice screwed it up for everybody else? I kept asking why and they kept answering the same answer, which is

Because I said so!

Now that is a sign of a dumb rule. You could scream your head off the table. That wasn’t mentioned in the rule. You could stand near the table all day long and sing your head off! That also wasn’t mentioned in the rule.

Another form or torture that kids have to put up with are verbal clichés. Lazy language on their parent’s part. Saying the same thing the same all the time. Something they tell to their children about 1,800 times a day. No sense in trying to involve your imagination. They’ll say it over and over

“Get down off there or you’ll break your neck! Get down there or I’ll break your neck if I see you up there again! And pick up these toys! I nearly broke my neck walking into here!”

That was the only injury that I ever heard of. It’s the only injury they ever mentioned., and the worst one! Breaking your neck. They never mention anything like

“Get down there! You’ll sprain you ankle!”

O wait, there’s another injury that accompanied “breaking your neck”. It’s a delightful little thing and it’s “Pulling someone’s eye off”.

“Put that stick away! Put that stick down! You’re going to pull someone’s eye out!”

We, when we were kids, have answers to those clichés but we never get to deliver most of them. We had answers for every cliché they had, didn’t matter what it was.

—–

Mom: “Don’t you understand English?”

Me: “Not fully. No.”

Mom: “How many times do we have to tell you?”

Me: “About six?”

*Mom slaps my forehead*

Me: “I thought you were looking for information?!”

Mom: “Don’t talk back to me!”

Me: “Huh? You’re teaching me a language aren’t you? We have to stop practicing all of a sudden?”

Mom: “You just wait until your father gets home!”

Me: “O great! That dude never gets home! Thanks, Ma!”

Then they’ll tell you to go to their room as though it will be a negative experience! Why did they give me the room in the first place if it’s such a bad spot?

Mom: “Go to your room!”

Me: “Hey that is where all my stuff is! Yay!”

The disease that all men have


This is the male disease. It’s called

Being Full of Shit

The male disease includes the need to be in charge at all times. In charge, in control and in command. A real man sees himself as king of the hill, leader of the pack and captain of the ship. All the while, in order to fit in and belong, he has to act like all the other men and do what they do so that they’ll be accepted, get a good job and a promotion and a wife. A wife who will be immediately get traded for a Porsche.

The poor fucks. The poor, stupid fucks.

His manliness also requires that he refuse to go to a doctor or a hospital unless it can be demonstrated to him that he has in fact been clinically dead for six months. Therefore, he must learn to ignore pain.

Most men learn this stupid shit from their fathers. Fathers teach the sons not to cry. Great stuff, huh? All the problems in the world can be traced to a father’s due to their sons. Little boys learn to hide their feelings. Society likes that so that when they get to be eighteen years of age they’ll go overseas and kill strangers without feeling anything. That part includes a certain willingness to have the balls shot off.

The poor fucks. The poor, stupid fucks.

So as a result of all these hiding of feelings, the average man’s emotional expression is the High-Five or, sometimes when deep feelings emerge, the High-Ten. This is raw emotion. That’s about they’re capable of and we have our dads to thank.

Thanks dad!

But wait! Don’t think dads can’t be fun at times too. After all, dads introduced their sons to the wonderful world of men. The really masculine, he-man stuff. No wimps, no pussies, no softies. You know what it is?

The male subcultures!

(Click on the link. Duh!)

Men


There are five deadly male subcultures and they all overlap. 1.) The car and machinery culture, 2.) the police and military culture, 3.) the outdoors and gun culture, 4.) the sports and competition culture and 5.) the drug and alcohol culture.

Many men belong to all five. This male universe is, of course, detectable by analyzing its combustible chemical formula. Gasoline, gunpowder, alcohol and Adrenaline. Chemistry’s even more rendered lethal with the ever-present, ever-delightful accelerant, which is Testosterone. I’m talking about substance abuse. If it is chemical dependency that you’re interested in, you might want to look in Testosterone.

Testosterone. The most lethal substance on Earth and it doesn’t come from a laboratory. It comes from testicles, which is interestingly not far from the ass hole. How fitting! As it happens, all these male subcultures share a particular set of feature: Homophobia, coupled with an ironic complete child-like trust in male authority. Men are attracted to powerful men. They also share a strong fear and dislike of women and this, in spite of the pathological obsession for the pussy.

Why are men like this? I think the overriding problem for men is in life’s main event, reproduction, they’re left out. Women do all work. What do men contribute? Generally they’re just looking for a quick parking space for some sperm. A couple of hits of hot jism and the volume of the television goes right back up. It’s my belief that most of these flawed male chromosomes should not be allowed to go forward for even one more unfortunate generation. But such is Biology.

So, excluded as they are from reproduction, men must find other ways to feel useful and worthwhile. As a result, they measure themselves by the size of their guns, the size of their cars, the size of their dicks and the size of their wallets. All contests that no man can win consistently.

Let me tell you why all these happened. Women are source of all human life, that’s why. The first human being came from the belly of a female and all human fetuses begin as female. The brain itself is basically female until hormones act on it to make it structurally male.

So in reality, all men are modified females. Where do you think those nipples came from, guys? You’re an afterthought. Maybe that’s what’s bothering you. Is that what is on your mind, buddy? That would explain the hostility. Females create life, men destroy it. War, crime and violence are primarily men franchises.

Men. It’s nature’s supreme joke. Deep in the womb, men start out as the good thing and wind up as the shitty thing. Not all men. Just enough.

Just enough to fuck things up.

Women


My motives here are not selfish or personal. I’m not saying all this stuff to get in good with women, although an occasional blowjob would be nice. But it’s not a requirement. It’s optional. BJO. Blowjob optional. 

LOL

Here’s all you need to know about men & women.

Women are crazy. Men are stupid. The main reason why women are crazy is that men are stupid. It’s not the only reason but it’s a big one.

If you don’t think men are stupid check the newspapers. Ninety-nine percent of all the truly horrifying crap going on in this world was initiated, established, perpetrated and enabled or continued by men. That includes doing “the wave” and the high-five, two of history’s truly low points.

Besides knowing that men are stupid, it’s also important to know that women are crazy. If you don’t think women are crazy I order you to ask a man. That’s the one thing men aren’t stupid about. They know for sure, way down deep in their hearts, that women are straight-out, fucking nuts.

It doesn’t just happen and it isn’t an accident. Women have good reason to be nuts. The main one being  that in the course of life, compared with men, they have far more to put up with. They bear greater responsibilities. Think of it this way: In the big cosmic cafeteria, as human beings move down the chow line of life and reach that section where shit are being spooned out, women are given several portions.

I just think it should be evident to any person who’s being honest and thinking clearly that women carry a lot more of life’s baggage than men.

To begin with, they’re smaller and weaker so they get slapped, punched, raped, abused, and beaten on a regular basis by men, of course, who are stronger. If women were stronger this would not be happening. Men would not raise a hand if they thought the balance is more equal. They’d back down quickly. Then again, if women were stronger they’d be beating the shit out of men just for the fun of it. It’s only fair.

A wedding is one of those good deals that women get. The man takes a wife, the woman is given away and everyone stands around hoping she gets pregnant immediately.

Pregnancy. Another treat for the gals. The women gain forty or so pounds, puke in the morning, walk like a duck, get sore tits and develop a nice set of hemorrhoids. What a deal! Sometimes they can’t get off the couch without someone’s assistance. Well it’s her own fault. This wouldn’t have happened if she has taken her birth control pills or used her diaphragm.

But think of how fulfilling it can be! She now has a baby! A baby she gets to practically raise alone and if she decides to be a stay-at-home mom she gets to cook, clean, sew, scrub, scour, wax, wash, dry, iron, do the shopping, drive the van and entertain the guests. She’s a house wife! An unpaid, domestic servant.

Admittedly, that description is a bit more in line with the old model. The new model is so much better. She gets a fucking job so she can be bringing something in but somehow she still ends up as an unpaid, domestic servant after she gets home from the job. You know that job, where she gets paid less than men for the same work, where she does not rise beyond a certain level in the company, where she gets harassed all day long by some oversexed moron with a lump in his pants.

Probably better if she just stays home, where she won’t get bothered by that pesky paycheck crap and there’s none of that nonsense about social security and pension plans. The only problem she’s going to delve upon is that if her ex-partner has not yet given her and their child’s monthly allowance. That is if she can still locate her ex-partner. She’d probably think sometimes that the reason why she was deserted by her ex-partner is because she’s a little bit used up, dumped her for someone who’s milk glands hadn’t sagged yet.

Can’t forget those milk glands, can we? Tits! Two tits sticking straight out of your chests! Yes women, just by the virtue of you being female you get to walk around all your life with two milk glands hanging in front of you like lanterns and if somehow you should get the idea that men don’t approve of the size and shape of those milk glands you’ll find plenty of social pressure to have those milk glands artificially enhanced. Such enhancement will be performed and supervised by men.

Here’s another physical treat for you women: Periods! Cramping, bloating and bleeding for almost a week every month. More or less fifteen percent of their monthly time! What more if you add the time that they’ve spent on PMS? Man gave it that name. If women named it, it would be called “My several days of shrieking and crying and depression just before my several days of bleeding, cramping and bloating”. Men don’t quite see it from that angle. Men experience PMS as a problem for them.

Some more special female advantages, in case you haven’t had enough: Pap Smears, Mammograms, Hysterectomy, Mastectomy, Miscarriages, Abortions, Labor Pains, Child Birth Pain, Episiotomy, Stretch Marks, Breast Feeding and Postpartum Depression. Can’t imagine why she wouldn’t feel good. Just to top it all off: Menopause!

These aren’t “good deals”, “treats” or “advantages”, by the way.

What are the exchanges for all of these? What is the woman’s pay-off? Why she gets to board the lifeboat first, at least theoretically. How often do you think that really happens? Let’s not forget that many men are willing to open the door for her. In fact some men are impressed in their willingness to do this.

I’ll tell you what a bad deal women got: They are in the majority part of this planet but they still wind up at the shitty end of the stick. One amazing thing about women is that, in spite of all the shit that they have to put up with, they live longer than men. So who do you think is tougher: Men or women? Take a guess! Remember,

Women have the otherworldly huge added burden of having to put up with men.

Children


Children.

It’s all you hear in this country. “Help the children!”, “What about the children?”, “Save the children!”. You know what I say?

Screw the children!

They’re getting too much attention. Yes, I am going to attack them. I know that all you single dads and sucker moms who think you’re such heroes aren’t going to like this but somebody’s going to tell you for your own good. Your children are overrated and overvalued. You’ve turned them into cult objects! You have child fetish and it’s not healthy.

Don’t give that weak “Well I love my children” shit. Screw you. Everybody loves their children, it doesn’t make you special.

You know what’s completely out of balance? This constant, mindless, yapping in media. This neurotic, fixation that somehow everything has to be revolved around children. There are a couple of things about children that you have to remember: 1.) They’re not all cute. In fact if  you look at them up close you’ll notice that some of them are rather unpleasant looking. A lot of them don’t smell too good, either. The little ones, in particular, seem to have a urine and sour milk combination or something like that. 2.) Not all children are smart and clever. Kids are like any other group of people, a few winners and a whole lot of losers. There are a lot of loser kids out there who simply aren’t going anywhere. You can’t save ’em all, you got to let them go, you got to cut them loose and stop overprotecting them because you’re making them way too soft.

For one thing, there’s too much emphasis on safety. Child-proof medicine bottles, fire-proof pajamas, child restraints in the car seats and helmets. Kids have to wear helmets and safety gears now for everything but jerking off! Grown-ups have taken all the fun being a kid just to save a few thousand lives. It’s pathetic! What’s happening is that these soft baby boomers are raising a generation of soft, fruity kids who aren’t allowed to have hazardous toys for fuck’s sake.

Hazardous toy shit. Whatever happened to natural selection and survival of the fittest? The kid who swallows too many marbles doesn’t grow up to have kids of his own. Simple as that. Nature knows best. We’re saving entirely too many lives of all ages in this country. Nature should be allowed to do its job of killing off the weak and sickly and ignorant people without human interference! Just think of it as passive eugenics.

Back in my day we we’re tough. If kids can handle the violence at home they ought to be able to handle the violence at school. I’m not worried about guns in school, I’m more worried about guns in church. Well… That’s going to be a lot of fun. It’ll happen, you watch. Some numbnuts will go apeshit inside  the church and they’ll refer to him as a ‘disgruntled worshiper’.

Here’s another bunch of ignorant shit: School uniforms. I’ve always thought that this is a bad theory, which is the idea that if kids wear uniforms in school it helps keep order. Don’t these schools do enough damage by making all these kids think alike? They’ve made these kids look the same too! My idea isn’t new. It’s been on old newsreels from the 1930s.

One more item about children: This superstitious nonsense that blames tobacco companies for kids who smoke. They smoke for the same reasons as adults. It relieves anxiety and depression. You’d be anxious and depressed too if you have to put up with these pathetic, insecure, striving, banal yuppie parents who enroll you in college before you’re old enough to know which side of playpen smells the worst and then they fill you full of riddle and then drag you all over the town in search of meaningless structure. Sports fests for kids, cub scouts, Karate, piano, witchcraft, glass blowing and dildo practice. No wonder kids smoke. It helps. Not as much as weed, but hey it helps.

Want to know how you can help your children? Leave them the fuck alone!