Watch You Mouth!


I call this “Watch Your Mouth!“.

It has to do with the way people speak. I’m easily annoyed by people’s speech habits and I regard certain words and phrases as warnings to break off contact immediately. In the interest of maintaining good mental health I try to avoid the following people:

Those who cannot resist saying “God forbid!” every time they mention the possibility of an accident or death, even though they don’t believe in God.

People who say “God rest his soul” following the mention of a dead person even if they hated the person and they don’t believe in God. These are the same ones who knock on wood and really mean it. Sometimes they’ll even glance around half-heartedly for something to knock on before giving up and just standing there like the morons they are.

And speaking of morons, can’t we somehow prevent adults from using words like “tooshie” and “boo boo” and “no-no” when speaking to grown ups? Why don’t we just send these people  to their rooms without supper? Tell ’em there will be no “yummy” in their “tummy”.

While we’re at it, let’s include all those colorful risk takers who actually use “heck” and “darn” for emphasis. What the fuck is this, 18 Century North America?

I also think we’d be better off if we could eliminate anyone who has a “can do” attitude, or is referred to as “take charge”, “all business” or “no non-sense”.  Have these people sedated

And let’s include the ones who describe themselves as “goal oriented”. PLEASE! Leave me alone!

Then there’s these people who tell you “I’m a people person! I’m a people person!”. I say to them “O, yeah? Me too. FUCK PEOPLE!”.

And what about these guys who have no job and they say to you “Are they keeping you busy?”. I happen to resent even the assumption that there are people who have the authority to keep me busy, least of all do I appreciate it from some guy who doesn’t seem to have a whole lot to do himself!

Let’s punish every homely man who ever thought it was clever to say “I’m not just another pretty face!”.

I think it’s time to start slapping around these people who can’t tell a simple story without repeatedly saying “You know what I’m saying?”. Here I am, trying to listen to the guy, and he’s a person who is constantly checking on how he is doing! “Blah blah blah blah blah, you know what I’m saying?” NO. The question is not do I not what you’re saying, the question is do YOU know what you are saying. You follow me on that?

I’m also getting tired of “arguably”. It’s weak. It tries to have things both ways. Take a stand!

And here are some jock sports fan adjectives that need to be outlawed. Listening to the color commentators for at least an hour you will be amazed at the number of times you hear the following words:

“Incredible!”
“Unbelievable!”
“Tremendous!”
“Outstanding!”
“Big!”
“Huge!”
“Large!”
“Major!”
“Key!”

Do these guys sound like maybe someone’s penis size is on their minds?

I can also do without people who tell me something, anything is either “The name of the game” or “That’s what it’s all about”. O, it is, huh? Well, FUCK YOU!

And let’s lose this guys who think it’s cute to say “Ouch!” when someone delivers a small amount of pain.

There’s another strain of speaker that I try to avoid. The pretentious and arrogant person. People who refer to themselves as “Yours truly”. What kind of grandiose crap is this? Some of them even speak of themselves in the third person. Athletes and entertainers are big on this demented shit. “I’m gonna do what’s right for Leon Spinks!”. I think people like this are mentally ill.

I also instantly dismiss anyone who tells me that some other person has “class”, is “classy”, or is a “class act”. The last of these being the most arrogant. What these speakers are telling is that they are among the few people who recognize class. It is their obligation to point it out for sorry ass folks like you. If you manage to listen to them just a little longer you’ll find that they are completely full of shit. And this is the same type of person who uses the word “tasty” when referring to music.

 The previous reference to class is of the same order of arrogance as the phrases “Not too shabby”, “He’s not dummy”, “I give him high marks”, “He’s got his head on straight”,  and “He really showed me something”. All of these phrases reek of presumed superiority.

And just when I thought all those precious twerps were about to stop saying “Not to worry”, and “By the by”, along came “What say you?” and “At the end of the day” to deepen my suffering. “At the end of the day” is probably most pretentious expression to come along since the “Moi” and “Ciao” crowd descended on us. “Just a tad” has a phony ring to it, so does “Just a scosche”. SPEAK ENGLISH!

Be on the alert for anyone who tells you something they did was “life affirming”. Some celebrity more than a decade ago said he stopped his TV show because it was “life affirming”. What a skeezix!

And can’t we figure out something evil to do to these people who call themselves “survivor”? Such self-regard! “I’m a survivor!” Good! Well, be sure to tell everyone at your funeral that you’re a fucking survivor!

This one is almost too easy: Guys who cant leave a room without saying “I’m out of here!”. You know what I say to them? “Good! STAY THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!”.

There are also certain reckless people in this country who are abusing “ongoing” and “early on”. Leave these terms alone, please? They mark you as a counterfeit. “Early on” has faux poetic aspirations and “ongoing” has only a very narrow area where it is distinctly appropriate.  And some of these “ongoing” felons are the same ones who have vandalized the phrase “even as we speak”. First, they shortened it to “as we speak”. Then they started using it every four minutes or so. “Even as I write this, my pissed offedness is ongoing”.

And fuck all the asshole people who say “God bless” and then don’t bother to complete the sentence. Who are they?! I haven’t the slightest. But if I were God, I would not honor such request.

Anyway, enjoy!

15 Rules To Live By


I’m going to give you fifteen rules to live by because life is not as difficult as people think. All you need is a good set of rules.

1.) Relax and take it easy.

Don’t get caught up in hollow conceits such as “doing something with your life”.  Such twaddle is outmoded and a sure formula for disappointment.

2.) Whatever it is you pursue, try to do it just well enough to remain in the middle third of the field.

Keep your thoughts and ideas to yourself and don’t ask questions.

Remember: The squeaky wheel is always the first one to be replaced.

3.) Size people up quickly and develop rigid attitudes based on your first impression.

If you try to delve deeper and get to know people you’re asking for trouble.

4.) Don’t fall for that superstitious nonsense about treating people the way you would like to be treated.

It’s a transparently narcissistic approach and maybe the sign of a weak mind.

5.) Spend as much time as you can pleasing and impressing others, even if it makes you unhappy.

Pay special attention to shallow manipulators who can do you the most harm.

Remember: In the overall scheme, you count for very little.

6.) Surround yourself with inferiors and losers.

Not only will you look good by comparison but they will look up to you and that will make you feel better.

7.) Don’t buy into the sentimental notion that everyone has shortcomings.

It’s the surest way of undermining yourself.

Remember: The really best people have no defects. If you’re not perfect something is wrong.

8.) If by some off chance you do detect a few faults in yourself, here’s what you have to do:

First, accept the fact that you are deeply flawed, then make a list of your faults and dwell on them. Carry the list around and try to think of things to add. Blame yourself for everything.

9.) Beware of intuition and gut instincts.

They are completely unreliable. Instead, develop pre-conceived notions and don’t waver unless someone tells you to, then change your mind and adopt their point of view. But only if they seem to know what they’re talking about.

10.) Never give up on an idea simply because it is bad and doesn’t work.

Cling to it! Even when it is hopeless! Anyone can cut and run but it takes a very special person to stay with something that is stupid and harmful.

11.) Always remember that today doesn’t count.

Trying to make something out of today only robs you of precious time that could be spent daydreaming or resting up.

12.) Try to dwell on the past.

Think of all the mistakes you’ve made and how much better it would be if you hadn’t made them. Think of what you should’ve done and blame yourself for not doing so. Don’t go easy, be really hard on yourself!

13.) If by chance you made a fresh mistake, especially a costly one try to repeat it a few times so you would become familiar with it and can do it easily in the future.

Write it down, put it with your list of your faults.

14.) Beware also of the dangerous trap of looking ahead.

It only gets you in trouble. Instead, try to drift along from day to day in a meandering fashion. Don’t get sidetracked with some foolish plan.

15.) And finally, enjoy yourself all the time and do whatever you want.

Don’t be seduced by that mindless chatter of going around about responsibility. That’s exactly the sort of thing that will ruin your life.

Indiviuality II: Groups, Unions, Associations


I don’t like ass kissers, flag wavers or team players. I like people who buck the system. Individualists!

I often warn kids by saying “Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you that there is no ‘I’ in ‘team’.” What you should tell them is “Maybe not, but there is an ‘I’ in ‘independence’, ‘individuality’, and ‘integrity’.”

Avoid teams at all costs. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name. If they say “Hi! We’re the so-and-so’s!”, take a walk! And if somehow you must join and it’s unavoidable, like a union or trade association, go ahead and join but don’t participate! It will be your death.

If they tell you you’re not a team player just congratulate them on being so observant!

individuality

Misconceptions about us atheists.


It is commonly imagined that atheists think there is nothing beyond human life and human understanding. The truth is that atheists are free to admit that there is much about the Universe that we do not understand.

It is obvious that we don’t understand the Universe but it is even more obvious that neither The Bible nor The Qur’ an reflects our best understanding of it.

There could be life on other planets. Complex life. Technically accomplished civilization. Imagine a civilization that’s a million years old, as supposed to a thousand. Atheists are free to imagine this possibility! They are also free to admit that if such brilliant extraterrestrials exist, The Bible and The Qur’an are going to be less impressive to them than they are to human atheists.

—–

It is also often imagined that atheists are, in principle, closed to spiritual experience. But the truth is that nothing prevents an atheist from experiencing self-transcending love, or ecstasy, or rapture or. in its simplest form, awe. In fact, nothing is preventing an atheist from going to a cave for a year or a decade and practice meditation like a proper mystic.

What atheists don’t tend to do is make unjustified and unjustifiable claims about the cosmos on the basis of those experiences. There’s no question that disciplines like meditation or prayer have a profound effect on the human mind. But do the positive experiences of, let’s say, Christian mystics, over the ages, suggest that Jesus is the sole savior of humanity?

Not even remotely! Because Christians have been having these experiences, but so do Buddhists, and Muslims, and even atheists! So there’s a deeper reality here and it makes a mockery of religious denominations.

The fact is that whenever human beings make an honest effort to get at a certain truth, they reliably transcend the accidents of their birth and upbringing. It would be absurd to speak about Christian physics, although Christians invented physics and to speak about Muslim algebra, although Muslims have invented algebra. It will one day be absurd to speak about Christian or Muslims ethics or spirituality.

Whatever is true about our circumstance, in ethical and spiritual terms, is discoverable now! And can be articulated without offending or making device of claims about the unique sanctity of any book or dedicating our lives to rumors of ancient miracles.

—–

Finally, there is this notion that atheism is responsible for the greatest crimes in the 20th century. Now this is actually amazing because this is the most frequent objection that I have come across but I’ll deal with it briefly.

It’s amazing how many people think that the crimes of Adolf Hitler and Pol Pot and Mao Zedong were the result of atheism. The truth is this is a total misconstrue of what went on with those societies and these psychological and  social forces that allow people to follow their dear leader over the brink.

The problem with fascism and communism was not that they were too critical of religion, but the problem is that they are actually LIKE religion. These are utterly dogmatic systems of thought. More than half a decade ago, Rick Warren suggested that North Korea was a ‘model atheist society’ and that any atheist, with the courage of his conviction, should want to move there.

The truth is North Korea is organized exactly like a faith-based cult, centered on the worship of Kim Jong-un. The North Koreans apparently believe that the American shipments of food aid that they receive from them to keep them from starving from death are actually devotional offerings to Kim Jong-un.

Is too little faith really the problem with North Korea? Is too much skeptical inquiry is what is wrong here? Auschwitz, the gulags, and the killing fields are not the product of atheism. They are the product of other dogmas such as nationalism and other political dogmas.

Hitler did not engineer genocide in Europe because of atheism. Hitler does not even appear to be an atheist because he always involved Jesus in his speeches, but that is beside the point. He did it on the basis of other beliefs and dogmas and the purity of German blood.

The history of Muslim Jihad does have something to do with Islam. The atrocities of September 11th did have something to do with what 19 men believed about martyrdom and paradise! The fact that we’re not funding stem cell research at the federal level does have something to do with what Christians believe about conception and human soul.

It’s important to focus on the specific consequences of specific ideas.

I want to make it clear that I am not holding religion responsible for every bad thing that a religious person has done in human history or to be balanced against all the bad things that the atheists have done. I’m only holding religion responsible for what people do and will continue to do, explicitly for religious reasons.

Religious athletes!


I don’t care for athletes who point to the sky after they have accomplished something on the field or court. Especially the ones who kneel down, bow their heads and make a big show of being believers.

You know something? God does not like that shit. He is not impressed with spiritual grandstanding. It surely embarrasses him. When athletes kneel down to him, he is probably saying

“Get up, you phony show-off bullshit  athlete! Pay attention to the fucking game! I took the points!”

Imagine the conceit of these people who think God is helping them and looking for his for their acknowledgment. I say play now, pray later. It’s better if they don’t pray at all. Sheesh.

tebowing

Hatred


I don’t know… I started to kinda like to hate people. It’s not that I have anything against them. It’s just that I enjoy it like it’s some kind of recreation.

Like when you’re at a bank and you have got nothing to do while you’re waiting in line so you just pick people to hate while you are waiting. You just look at someone and form an opinion or assume something that’s not positive. Who fucking wastes his or her time thinking “I bet he’s a hard worker”? Who thinks about that shit? Skip over that thought!

Then you see his shoes. “O look at his shoes! What a fucking asshole! Look at that piece of shit. I hope he dies today.”, then you watch all the other shit and say “Yeah. Fill it out you fuckface. Yeah! You filled it out! I knew it! You suck!”. They’re just standing and sitting there and they’ve got no idea that you’re boiling with hate right now.

But I feel that people do hate me sometimes. Like this one time when I was at the post office and there’s a long line with just one window open so everyone’s like “Argh!”. Everyone’s just mad. When you’re in the line you are in the hate group. You get to look at each other and all of you are groaning and moaning. It’s like a silent movie of impatient people.

Then it’s your turn at the window and everyone is looking at you and you feel the scrutiny of how fast you are mailing your shit. You start feeling how unimportant your package is and you feel like they can tell and you begin to think that they’re saying “Yeah fuck it out. You don’t need to mail that right now!” and you begin to have an awkward feeling.

If you do one extra thing like “Do you have a stamp that looks like blah, blah, blah, blah?”, the people behind you go “Ah shit”, “Jesus”, “Fucking slow” and all that shit. They put their shit down heavily and go “Fuck no! That motherfucker’s going to make me stand here all day while he buys posting stamps at the post office?! Are you shitting me?!”.

I like people! :)


I like people. I do.

I like people but I like them in short bursts. I don’t like people for extended periods of time. I’m alright with them for a little while but, except when I’m drinking alcohol, once you get up past twenty or twenty-five minutes-and-a-half, I got to get the fuck out of there.

My reason for this is I have a very low tolerance for stupid bullshit and everyone wants to tell you their stupid bullshit. A lot of them don’t know when to stop talking. Do you ever run into those guys? Doesn’t know when to stop talking. They just continue, their mouths running like verbal diarrhea. They don’t know when the conversation’s over. Trite, stupid shit, things you’re not even remotely interested in.

While the stupid motherfucker is still telling his stupid story, you’re searching in your mind  for something diplomatic and tactical and graceful that you can say to help end the conversation.

All that you ever came up with was

Blow it out your ass! or

Shut the fuck up!

But you can’t say that. Good manners do not permit you to. You’ll have to find another way and I go to body language. I find myself leaning on a 45-degree angle, trying to indicate the direction that I’d like to go so this person would just shut the fuck up. I might even give him a verbal cue. “Surgery! I’m late for surgery! I’m having my ears sewn shut!”.

Same people on the phone. Don’t know when to hang up, don’t know when the conversation’s over. Dumb and trivial shit, dumb and trivial questions. Once again, you’re searching in your mind for something diplomatic to say to help end the conversation but “Shut the fuck up!” still comes to mind, or “Shut your fucking piehole!”, or if he prefers cake “Shut your fucking cakehole!” might be good. But still, you can’t say those things and you can’t use body language on the phone.

Well, you can always amuse yourself you know. LOL. But that doesn’t move the conversation along. You have to find another trick and I go to toning my voice. Talk to them to a soft landing. Words such as “right”, “good”, “okay”, “alright then” may work.

If all else fails, just say “Shut the fuck up!” to them five or ten times then you hang up.

People nowadays do not understand what a phone call should be or what a phone call is. Ideally a phone call is the brief exchange of a few vital pieces of information. This is an example of phone call:

“Hey _____ when are we going to the mass?”, “Okay. I’ll be a bit late. You’ll have to go there without me.”, “Bye.”

That’s a phone call. It should not be a two-and-a-half hour story of your third cousin describing her mailman’s liposuction!